Tate's a Freshman, Part 2

My son Tate has autism. Tate is a freshman in High School this year, and is just beginning the second quarter. At this point, his teachers have gotten to know him and his quirks, his abilities and his inabilities, some of his anxieties and obsessions, and just how much fun he is to have around.

This is the second in a series of posts about Tate's freshman year of High School. You might like to start with the first. If you haven't already seen it, click here: Transitioning to High School with Autism

Last week I attended parent/teacher conferences. I always go to meetings with new teachers with just a little trepidation, hoping they “get” what autism is and how to best communicate with Tate. 

I got to hear some really fun stories about how Tate is settling in and how his teachers this year have come to enjoy him. And I got to hear the other side of a few of the things Tate has come home and told me about. 

One of my favorite stories was about World History class. Tate really likes his World History class. Or at least he likes the projector that hangs from the ceiling.

And Tate is excelling in math this year.

Although Tate’s math teacher had nice things to say about him, Tate is unsure she really knows much about math at all.

The math teacher is not the only teacher who has given Tate new notions to ponder.

This is the first year Tate has had no organized lunch buddy program. He is doing well on his own. One of the teachers he had in Junior High sat with him while he ate lunch recently.  

Lunch was not the only concern I had about Tate being in High School. I worried about his ability to maneuver through the crowd. Choreographing his movements to those around him is difficult for Tate. They tell me he is colliding with others less frequently now. Tate's size is intimidating enough that he will likely never be hurt, but I do worry about the other guys.

Not many kids like homework, and Tate is no exception. The name “homework” itself annoys him. If it is schoolwork, then it should stay at school. It baffles Tate that schoolwork can be brought home and relabeled as homework. He does not like his two worlds to mix.

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Transitioning to High School with Autism

My son Tate is a freshman in High School this year. We are two weeks in and I am breathing a bit easier now. He’s surviving. Transitions can be hard for people with autism. I worried about everything. How would Tate manage the huge transition to High School? How would he manage all the smaller transitions from one class to the next, in a hall crowded with so many other students? Those kinds of things are so much harder for Tate than they are for you and I. On Tate’s second day of school, his older brother ran into him in the hall. Literally. 

Tate’s brother has since seen Tate in the school halls, and reports that Tate has mastered the skills necessary to dodge most of the other students now. Whew!

That first week was a bit rough on Tate. He was exposed to some ideas he could hardly believe. He came home distressed because his choir teacher mentioned the wearing of robes at the scheduled performances. Luckily, she was most understanding, compassionate and accommodating when I explained Tate’s sensory issues and his anxiety about things like this. 

In addition to the anxiety felt by Tate, and all the new routines to learn, there is also a learning curve for Tate’s new educators. Each year as new teachers get to know Tate and his quirks, I worry that Tate will be misunderstood or even mistreated because of his lack of social awareness and socially acceptable responses. Will his teachers understand autism? Despite my fears, Tate is adjusting marvelously. The High School teachers are proving to be as proficient and as understanding as the teachers we left behind in Junior High.

Working with Tate requires patience and a sense of humor. Luckily, the Physical Education teacher is demonstrating that he has both when he teaches Tate. Despite Tate's awkward gait and limited coordination, P.E. has always been one of Tate's favorite classes at school. I wondered if High School P.E. would be very different. I have always heard that much of the bullying that goes on in a High School is done in gym class. After just these few days I can see that Tate likes his P.E. class very much. The fact that there is never homework, helps!

Tate does not believe homework is ever justifiable. Since he first entered public school he has been adamant that schoolwork should stay at school where it belongs.  

Tate's attempt at his report was his personal best. I read it with mixed feelings. Things like this show me just how far behind Tate is. But they also show me how far he has come. It is true that Tate cannot perform academically at the level of his peers. However, I can honestly say that I am every bit as proud of his efforts as any other parent. Tate works hard and does the best he can in a world he has trouble making sense of. He shows me daily what it means to persevere. It sounds a bit cliché but it is a fact: Tate has taught me far more than I will ever teach him. He makes my heart smile. 

Get to know a child with autism. You will be forever changed in ways you could not have imagined. 

If you liked this post, you might also like: Coffee Tables Aren't Hot

or this one: There is no ham in hamburgers

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12 Things I'd Like My Son's Teachers to Know About Autism

This is the kind of list I would have handed my son's teacher in elementary school. It is pretty general. Stay tuned for a part two that is more Tate specific. 

Autism is a huge spectrum. If you have taught children with autism  before you may have a good general idea of what autism looks like. My son will still be different than the others. If you have questions about how autism affects him, ask me. Nothing will impress me more about you than your willingness to learn about my son's needs.

A routine and transition warnings are helpful for a child with autism. While we know that flexibility is an important life skill and one we need to work on, my son does not handle surprises or big changes in his routine well. Things like a substitute teacher, a fire drill, or a field trip are all going to cause anxiety for my son. A warning and clear instructions will help. A visual schedule would be a helpful tool for my son. Before transitioning to a new activity (especially when going from a preferred activity to a non preferred  activity) a five-minute warning, a two-minute warning, and patience will be needed. 

A child with autism needs extra time to process language. Use simple language and short sentences. Give no more than two-step instructions. Give my son at least three full seconds after you make a statement or ask a question to respond. If you choose to repeat, do not rephrase, as then he will have to start processing over again. Trying to hurry my son will only slow him down further.

Receptive language and expressive language are two different things. My son may understand much more than you think he does. He may not be able to put into words all the things he wants to say. On the other hand he may be able to quote long complicated phrases or passages without understanding any of the meaning of the words. It is difficult to know exactly what my child really knows and what he still needs to learn sometimes.

Children with autism are literal. Figurative language and abstract ideas are a mystery to a child with autism. So, when you say things like, “Pick up the pace” and your other students know you want them to walk faster, my son will be looking for something called “pace” that he should be lifting from the floor. These things happen all day long.

A child with autism can get stuck on one subject. My son obsesses about things that do not matter to you or I. He might want to talk about Disney movie characters or Muppets for a long period of time and there will be little you can do to distract him. He gets stuck in a continuous loop. Occasionally these topics of interest can be incorporated into his learning but mostly they distract him from learning.

A child with autism may need help with social interactions. My son will probably appear disinterested in his peers and he may actually be disinterested but he will never learn social skills unless we keep trying. You have him in a perfect setting for teaching social skills. It is an environment I cannot recreate at home. It would be so helpful if you would use every opportunity available there to teach and reteach social skills.

Sensory issues are a distraction for many children with autism. Sounds that are barely noticeable to you may distract my child and keep him from learning. Textures may cause my son to recoil in disgust. Smells may cause him to gag. Please be considerate of this. Over stimulation can sometimes overwhelm him and cause a meltdown. A meltdown looks similar to a temper tantrum but it is not the same at all.

Children with autism use stereotypic behaviors or repetitive behaviors when they are excited, bored, or stressed. My son will need redirection throughout the day. The behaviors will cause him to appear odd to his peers. Please consider giving the class an age appropriate definition of autism to help his peers understand.

Positive Reinforcement will be helpful but punishments will not. Punishments or threats of punishment will probably result in anxiety and impede progress. He will work toward a reward but will shut down if he fears a punishment.

People with autism tell the truth as they see it. My son may let you know you need to lose weight, you need a shave, or your breath smells bad. Do not take it personally. A sense of humor is a must when working with children with autism.

Kids with autism are not scary or unlovable. They are just different. Sometimes different is intimidating but educating yourself about autism and about my son will help. I’m can help with that! I will willingly answer any questions you have.

BONUS TIP: NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT IN MY SON'S EDUCATION THAN COMMUNICATION BETWEEN HOME AND SCHOOL. 

You might also like: 15 Truths of Parenting Special Kids 

prank phone calls and teaching Tate

I have so many stories to share, but they are not all related to one topic (unless it is just autism, in general) so this is going to be a pretty random post. 

Tate has tried his hand this week at practical jokes. He will tell me in a whisper that he is going to prank someone, usually Levi, and then do something really silly. A few nights ago, Tate dropped a clothes hamper over Levi’s head. Of course, Levi saw it coming and cooperated so Tate could have his fun. 

We found out last night that we would be staying home today for a snow day. Tate became so excited he began to chatter and he became very animated and active. He isn’t usually much of a talker so when it happens we love it. He gets really talkative sometimes when he is happy. A day I will always remember is from a trip to pick out an Xmas tree, in 2011. It was one of the first times he had EVER become a chatter-box for a day. Most days he is pretty quiet. 

Tate’s favorite prank right now is to go find a sibling and tell them that Mom has been calling. Then he follows them into the room and when they ask what I wanted and I look confused, Tate runs and they chase. Last night he did it to everyone, at least once. They are great to play along. Tate has started making up jokes that are usually not funny too. Last night he told one he made up: “Why did the pen not write on the paper? Because the paper fell on the floor!” We usually laugh much longer and louder than is worthy of such a joke because of the kick we get out of Tate telling a joke. Most kids make up their own jokes around age four. I know because I had five kids before Tate that told me hundreds of jokes. I have heard “knock knock” many, many times in the past twenty years!

Last night Tate told me he was going to call his older brothers who live in Tennessee and prank them on the phone. I could hear his end of the conversation with both boys. When they answered, Tate yelled into the phone, in a voice that is cracking due to his age, “Hellooooooo, How can I help you?” Then he said, “I don’t have the wrong number, YOOOOOUUUUU have the wrong number.” He did a lot of giggling. He told one of the boys “Congratulations, you have just won a new foot.” We were laughing pretty hard on this end but I haven’t talked to my boys yet to find out if they understood much of what he was saying. Knowing them, they loved the call. I couldn’t ask for better kids than I have. Tate has a whole family of therapists. For more on Tate's siblings and all that they do, read here: He's My Brother

Totally unrelated to the above: This past weekend we skipped an afternoon of school and went to the movie theater. That is not the real story I want to tell here, but it is a story in itself. When Tate hears the release date of an animated movie or a movie that strikes his interest, he immediately begins to make plans to attend the opening day of said movie. If you are not involved in the life of a child with autism, you probably will not understand the importance of these kinds of things to us here in the Smith family. When Tate makes a plan, if it is not altered or shot down, IMMEDIATELY, then it is set in stone. The mind of a child with autism is much like stone. Plans made are not easily changed. Usually, I am fine with taking Tate to a movie on a Friday after school. He doesn’t ask (demand) that often, maybe every-other month. So, last Friday was one of those times and I had agreed to take him. After about three days of listening to him talk about the movie, my senior in high school, told me that my presence was required at one of her school events. She told me IN FRONT OF TATE, so there was no time for me to prepare myself for his anxiety attack. His face turned blotchy, he began to choke, and he started pacing the floor on his tiptoes. He actually said some pretty hilarious things in his misery. He was trying to talk us out of our alternate plans and saying things to his sister like, “I’m sorry, but we won’t be able to attend that game. You’ll be on your own.” The funniest thing he said was, “If your wedding is on a Friday night, we won’t be able to make it.” Tate’s oldest sister came up with the perfect solution. She would take Tate out of school early on Friday and take him to the movie. 

I told that story to tell this one: At the theater, a young man in a wheel chair was taking tickets. Tate got right in front of him and even crowded him and said to me, “Hey, what’s wrong with him?” I was totally taken back. I had no idea what to do. I knew I needed to use the moment to teach but what was the proper way to handle the situation? I had no time to decide. I said to Tate, “You can ask him, why he needs to use a wheel chair.” Tate said to him, “What’s wrong with you?” The young man said, “I have a disease.” Tate said “Oh” and walked away. I hung back to explain to the young man that Tate was lacking in manners because he has autism and doesn’t have many social skills. The guy replied that he could tell and he was very gracious, although we were both embarrassed. As we got settled in our seats and waited for our movie to begin I talked to Tate about how impolite it is to ask someone what is wrong with them if they are sitting in a wheel chair. He seemed to understand. A few days later, Tate asked a person with a blemish on their face, what was wrong with their face and I had to repeat the lecture. If that person had been in a wheel chair, he wouldn’t have asked them perhaps but I hadn’t covered acne.  If you think about it, etiquette is very hard to teach. It is okay to ask a friend who shows up to school with a broken arm, what happened to their arm, but very rude to ask a stranger in a wheel chair what happened to their legs. Typically developing kids just learn these things from watching and absorbing the examples around them. Kids with autism have to be taught everything they know systematically. They have to file away each little lesson and each little variance to each rule so they can know how to act. When something new comes along that they have not seen before, they don’t know what the proper response should be. They don’t mean to be rude. They just have no idea what is acceptable and what is not. These kinds of unwritten rules are often referred to as “the hidden curriculum” in schools. Teachers don’t have to teach the hidden curriculum to the typically developing kids but the kids with autism do need to be taught all the unwritten rules. I feel so badly sometimes when I hand my special needs kids to their teachers. I’m asking them to give more and do more for my kids than their job descriptions ever called for. I don’t think that colleges give a lot of instruction to their teaching students on the hidden curriculum. Special needs students, fully included or not, require so much more work than the other students. They are also much more expensive to educate, due to the need for para support, other services, and modified materials and equipment. I cannot sing praises loud enough for my kids’ teachers. 

A little bit more about hidden rules that Tate cannot learn without systematic instruction: One day this week when I dropped Tate off at school, I watched him walk into the building as usual. A girl much smaller than him was holding the door, waiting for Tate to catch it. A boy much smaller than Tate was right behind him, waiting to enter. Tate pulled the door open, slipped through and dropped the door. The little boy behind had to reopen the door because Tate had not pushed it open wide enough for him or held it that extra second it would have taken for him to grab. These kinds of things come so natural for the rest of us. Tate is not mean. He just doesn’t think about others, their thoughts, their feelings, their plans, or their motives. That part of his brain isn’t working. He cannot help it. If we teach him the “rule” for holding the door for the kid behind him then he will hold the door next time…. But then there will be variances of that rule that come up. What do you do if you are in a crowd and there are a lot of people behind you? What do you do if the person is on crutches or pushing a stroller and you need to move out of the way a little while you hold the door? All these things would leave Tate confused about what to do. I asked Tate’s teachers to help me teach Tate about holding the doors. The teaching opportunities for social skills abound at the school. Tate’s classmates are often involved in teaching new skills. I appreciate them so much. 

If you liked this post, you might also like this one: What is Autism?

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