Teaching Sydney (or TRYING to)

Impulse control. You probably have not thought much about how important it is to people unless you are close to someone who has very little self-control. The frontal lobe of your brain is the part that helps you stop yourself from doing or saying the inappropriate things that you think about. Believe me, impulse control is extremely important. Without it a person will constantly be in danger. They will break rules and laws. They will lie. They will lose friends as fast as they make them. THEY DO NOT LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES.

The frontal lobe of a person’s brain is damaged when they are exposed to alcohol in the womb. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is 100 percent preventable. A huge percentage of the people in our prisons have FAS. It is no wonder. When you have FAS you barely stand a chance in our society. Sure, many of the children are adopted into homes with good parents. But, mom and dad can keep a child safe for only so long. They do grow up and they still have FAS. They still have no impulse control and they still need constant supervision.

Sydney’s lack of impulse control affects us every day. It shows up in so many ways. Sometimes it is funny but usually it is not. This morning I told her to stay in her room until 9:00 while I showered and dressed. She came into my room at 8:55 and said, “It’s 9:00.” Me, knowing I had five more minutes said, “It is?” She responded, “No, not really.” Then she asked me where her popcorn was from last night. I told her it was in the kitchen. She said, “I just looked.” I said, “So you left your room?” She said, “No I didn’t leave my room but I went into the kitchen to look for the popcorn and it wasn’t there.” She tattles on herself quite often and then talks in circles trying to fix what she uncovered, contradiction in every sentence. Sometimes I think she believes I am an idiot. Sometimes it is hard not to laugh right out loud when i should be scolding her too.

A few days ago she had lifesavers and was trying to open the packaging. She was with her daddy in his truck. He asked what she had and she quickly responded, “Oh, you wouldn’t like these” trying to convince him that she shouldn’t have to share. She forced the package open and dropped the first one in the floor. She said a word that society would not consider a curse word but one our family does not use. Shawn frowned at her and shook his head saying, “We do not say that.” She immediately tried to convince him that he heard wrong and what she REALLY said was “I’m missing out on that one.” He managed to keep a straight face, barely.

Doctors have told me that Sydney will not learn from her mistakes and I have seen that consequences do not really teach her much but I keep trying. A few mornings ago I told Sydney she could go upstairs and play Nintendo in her sister’s room if she did not wake her brothers who were asleep in their rooms close by. She assured me she would be as quiet as a mouse. She went upstairs and two minutes later I heard her singing at the top of her lungs. I told her she could not play Nintendo for a few days. She can tell me WHY she cannot play Nintendo and she can tell me she won’t do something like that again but she will. I know she will.

Sydney loves flip-flops. Flip-flops are almost as important to her as the air she breathes. The winter months when I hide them (yes I have to HIDE them) are torturous to her. A week before school was out we had a cold rainy morning. Sydney was very upset that I wouldn’t let her wear her flip-flops. I insisted she wear socks and shoes and take a sweatshirt. She asked if she could take her flip-flops in her backpack. I told her she could not. She asked why. I explained again that it was a cold day and I wanted her feet to be warm. When I picked her up at the end of the day, she was wearing flip-flops. It didn’t even occur to me she would have snuck them into her backpack. I have watched her do things like this for nine years and it still shocked me that she would openly disobey like that and not anticipate any consequences. I took all her flip-flops and put them up for a week. I believe it was the longest week of her life and she cried about it several times. Will she learn from it? Well, I know she will REMEMBER it but I do not think it would deter her from doing it again.

This past weekend we went to a little rodeo in a small town nearby. There was a fenced-in play area with four of those big bouncy houses and slides next to the arena. Five dollars got you a ticket to come and go all evening. Several times throughout the evening I allowed Sydney to go jump for five or ten minutes. The medication she takes for ADHD had long worn off and sitting in the stands was asking too much of her. (See? I’m a reasonable person.) It was hard to keep track of her among all the kids coming and going out of those houses but I managed. The last trip in, I watched as she ran over to a mom with a toddler. Sydney LOVES babies and I predicted quite accurately what I was about to witness. I was not close enough to intervene before it happened though! The mom was helping the toddler bounce on a corner of one of the play sets. Sydney crowded in between the child and her mother and tried to take over as caregiver. The mother was so surprised she actually turned the toddler over to Sydney for a few seconds before she realized what she’d done and regained custody of her baby. I grabbed Sydney and was too flustered to come up with words. This time I asked her Dad to explain what she had done and why it was inappropriate. He did. She listened but I honestly do not think she understood a single word about why it was not okay to walk up to a stranger and try to take their baby away from them. Sigh.

At the rodeo

Last evening I witnessed her doing a similar thing but it was not with a baby (thank goodness). A friend of ours was over and playing a hand held game when Sydney came over and crowded right it. She began touching the screen and intervening in the game without an invitation. If I had not stopped her she’d have had that video game in her own lap or been in the lap of our guest with her own body between that game and the owner. I can explain and explain but she just cannot help herself. If she sees something she wants, there is no willpower for her to use against those desires. I can only imagine what her teen years and adult life will be like. It is a constant worry for me.

I know Sydney can learn rules and abide by some of them but I’m not sure why some are easier for her to obey than others. We have a pool and she never goes near it unless she is given permission. She is able to behave herself (for the most part) during worship services. She doesn’t hit other people or tantrum. She is polite most of the time. Her ability to abide by some rules and not others has to have something to do with her ability to plan. There is that frontal lobe again. Being able to think ahead to the consequences of your actions based on past mistakes is controlled by that frontal lobe. Impulse control is managed by the frontal lobe. Rules seem so much harder for her to obey when there are other children involved. She can go a long time without getting into any real trouble but add a peer and she is going to find all kinds of ways to make that kid holler. She’s quick at finding ways to push their buttons. She invades their space. She plays much better with children younger than her. A six year old is almost perfect, but only one, not two. Although she is ten, age six is about the level she functions at herself. We are so lucky in that we live out in the country. A neighborhood full of children (and adults) would have brought so many challenges with it and so many dangers. Sydney’s playmates are her family members. Oh, and a dog, several cats, two calves, and a gentle old horse. She spends hours outside with those animals and her dolls. Sydney’s imagination is one of the most active I have ever known. Our dog and one of those calves have an amazing bond with Sydney. They do not care how many times she invades their space or how much she talks or how loudly she talks.

Sydney and Pepper

We almost never say “no” when Sydney wants something to eat. Number one: her preferred foods are healthy. Number two: the doctor tells us to push her to eat because she needs to gain some weight. Sydney still tries to hide food and lie about food. I have told her over and over there is no need because she can eat almost anything she wants, anytime she wants. One of the only rules I have is: no food the bedrooms. I often do find food and wrappers and dishes in her room but I do not impose any consequences for it. These issues surely cannot be from her memories of the orphanage when she was probably hungry, because she has no memories of the orphanage. But food issues could stem from anxieties, according to her doctor. I cannot imagine trying to live without the ability to fully control my impulses. What a confusing place the world would be. Trying to understand the rules and abide by them without the damage to your brain is hard enough sometimes when you are little. This little girl has a disability that was 100% preventable. Alcohol to a brain is poison and exposing an unborn baby to alcohol is unconscionable.

Past articles about Sydney: Saturday Morning with Sydney and Life with Sydney

Find us on Facebook at Quirks and Chaos! Like what you read? Want to become a follower? Click on the Google Friend Following gadget on this blog. It's over on the right side and asks you to subscribe. Or you can add the URL (the web address in your search bar) to your Reading List. You can do that by clicking the plus sign in front of the URL. Thanks!

Shoes: Fetish or Fashion?

In my last post, I spoke of Tate’s attachment to objects, and I spoke briefly about his shoes.  Mentioning the shoes, brought back a lot of memories for me.  I’m sure Tate’s attachment to his shoes was partly because of the familiarity and routine that went with wearing the same shoes every day.  However, it was more than just that. 

When Tate was at preschool, the attachment to his shoes sometimes got in the way of his daily activities.  There were times when Tate was expected to remove his shoes.  At rest time, or for water play, or sand play, the shoes needed to come off and Tate was stressed.  There were occasional art projects when the kids were supposed to trace their feet, or even make footprints with paint that caused Tate to melt-down.  Paint caused sensory over-load for Tate, even when he was using his hands, so the removal of shoes was a double whammy.  There were a couple of games the teachers played with the students during circle time that caused Tate a lot of anxiety.  One game called for the children to remove one shoe and throw it into a box or bucket.  A child was asked to pull a shoe from the container and take it to its owner, thus teaching matching skills.  Mercifully, the teachers made sure Tate’s show was on top, and back on his foot as soon as possible.  There was another game that was similar and I think both shoes had to come off for that game.  We wanted Tate to take part in as many activities as possible and learn to deal with these kinds of things, so he was forced to participate most of the time.  Tate got plenty of warnings before it was time to take his shoe(s) off and plenty of reassurance that his shoe(s) would only be off for a short time.  I watched circle most days through a two-way mirror and it was hard not to intervene, run into the room to get his shoe back for him.  When Tate becomes anxious it is hard for me to watch.  He seems to be in pain physically. 

When Tate was eight we planned a family trip to Seattle.  It was to be Tate’s first time to fly.  I did not know how Tate would handle the flight.  I had heard some pretty awful stories from people about flying with children who had autism.  Tate’s behavior consultant suggested a social story.  She reminded me Tate would be expected to remove his shoes when we went through security.  She also reminded me about how different the bathrooms look on a plane, another potential trial for Tate.  I am usually able to anticipate and prepare Tate for hardships he will face, but I had not even thought about the difficulties of getting Tate to walk through security.  Any one part of the whole process could have been hard on him, but especially the removal of his shoes.  Allowing his shoes to ride on a conveyor belt would be another potential problem.  Yikes, I was getting worried.  We read the social story several times and acted out “going through security.”  Pretending and imagining are hard things for Tate to do so acting out a scenario is difficult but we tried.  Tate had lots of questions about it all and was quite anxious as he got used to the idea of giving up his shoes to a stranger.  When the day came to leave on our trip, we rushed through security without a hitch.  Tate was nervous and he did stim but, overall, he did very well.  I credit the social story and the practicing.  Thank goodness Tate’s wonderful behavior consultant anticipated the problems and helped us to prevent them.  The airplane ride turned out to be one of Tate’s favorite parts of the vacation.

Tate seems to have outgrown most of his anxiety over shoes.  He still cannot tie a bow so I buy Velcro shoes.  I found a shoe store that carries them in adult sizes.  Tate’s feet are huge now so we just buy the same shoe every time, one size bigger and he hardly notices we got new ones.  Shoe shopping used to be so traumatizing for Tate and now it is not an issue.  I sure hope the Velcro shoes go all the way to size 15 because I imagine his feet will grow as big as his brothers’ feet have.  His feet are already bigger than his brothers’ feet were at age ten.

Shoes are an issue for Sydney too but in a very different way.  Sydney does not form unnatural attachments to inanimate objects. She has favorite toys and clothes but no more than any typically developing child would.  She does, however, LOVE shoes.  Sydney doesn’t get attached to any one pair.  She loves them all.  She learned at a very early age, to say “my shoes are hurting my feet,” as we walked past the shoe department in a store.  I, being the intelligent person that I am, only got “taken” a few times before I figured out the game she was playing.  Sydney’s favorite shoes are flip-flops.  She cannot wear the cheap ones because the plastic gives her blisters, and her high tolerance for pain allows her to ignore the blisters until they are huge sores. (See my earlier post called “Does it Hurt” for discussion about pain tolerance.) I have to buy her flip-flops that have fabric between the toes, and even then, watch for her feet to get sore.  I tried just avoiding flip-flops for her entirely but she took all the laces, straps, and buckles off all her shoes trying to create flip-flops herself.  She just loves them so.  I have to hide them for the fall and winter.  I used to toss them onto a top shelf in my closet.  I have had to find a much better hiding place because the temptation is too much for Sydney’s limited impulse control.  She knew those shoes were up there and climbed my shelves to get them down whenever I was not watching.  Most of my older kids would not have disobeyed like Sydney does, and if they had, they would have learned from a single spanking not to climb the shelves or attempt to get something off-limits.  Sydney does not learn from a spanking and she cannot plan ahead and remember the consequences of her actions.  It amazes me continually that Sydney does not seem to realize she will be found-out if she wears shoes I took away from her.  The impulse control to touch, grab, or obtain things that she wants, is just too great for her to resist.  Exposure to alcohol in the womb took the ability to control her impulses.  No amount of talking, reasoning, or consequences for her actions can give that back to her.  One of my biggest fears for Sydney is that she will someday be in jail because she could not resist the impulse to shop lift and steal things.  I have read that a large percentage of the people in our prisons today, show signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), thus they have little impulse control and they have poor judgment.  They do not learn from the consequences of their past actions or think about what the consequences of their crimes will be.  FAS is a birth defect that mothers (BIRTH mothers) could completely eradicate.  If no more babies were born with FAS the number of people in prison would drop dramatically in a few years.  A child should not have to pay the price for a birth mom’s binges.  It is a life sentence.