Thank You Baldwin Bulldogs, class of 2020

The Mighty is an online group of writers who are trying to make the world a better place. You can find them online at www.themighty.com or you can find them on Facebook. They have published a couple of my blog posts before and the editor asked me to consider participating in their November Thank you challenge. The challenge is to choose someone to write about that I do not say “Thank you” to often enough. This is almost an overwhelming task. How could I possibly choose just one person, or even one group of people, who I am thankful for? I could probably write Thank You notes for a year and not remember everyone that I need to thank. But, this is supposed to be one thank you and it did not take me long at all to decide what I wanted to write about.

My son Tate has autism. He is 13 and in the seventh grade. Tate performs at a grade level far below his peers, academically and socially. I could and should write thank you notes often, to each and every one of the teachers and staff involved in Tate’s individualized education. I definitely do not say it enough. Today however, I am going to say “Thank you” to the seventh grade class at Baldwin City Junior High School.

There are advantages to living in a small town sometimes. Tate will graduate with a class of approximately one hundred students. Tate began kindergarten with about twenty of them. He had the same kids in his class through third grade. Living in a small town, and Tate being the sixth of seven children, produced opportunities for us that many families of a special needs child would not have. I knew all the teachers and many of the parents and students. I was often in the classroom and able to educate Tate’s classmates about autism and Tate’s differences. I wanted “full disclosure” and often asked that the privacy policy be ignored. I talked openly about Tate’s disability and urged teachers to do the same. 

Tate in kindergarten

From the very beginning Tate's peers have treated him with respect and kindness. His classmates could see he needed help with many things and there were always lots of willing helpers available. At the end of their first grade year I thanked the children for being such good friends to Tate and asked them to promise they would help look out for Tate all the way through High School. They agreed, and they have kept their promise thus far.

For five years Tate has had a lunch buddy program so that he can receive social instruction from an adult coach while surrounded by peers. In elementary school, students had a chance to sign-up to be a part of it with their parents’ permission. There was always a waiting list and never a lack of enthusiasm for eating lunch with Tate. The program has evolved somewhat. Now, part of the week Tate sits at a table with peers and no adult. Other days he invites a friend or two to eat with him and a teacher at a smaller table so he can work on social skills. Rarely does a student ask for a “rain check.” If Tate calls, they answer the calling!

A fifth grade track meet

So many children with special needs have to worry about bullies. So many children with special needs are lonely or forgotten. Tate has never been bullied, not even once, that I am aware of; and many of his peers call him “friend” although Tate does not often reciprocate their kindnesses. Tate’s understanding of social skills and reciprocity is greatly lacking. His peers know it and they accept it. They give, asking nothing in return. They include Tate whenever possible. They gently give him social skills instruction when it is needed. They help him with tasks that are difficult for him. They teach him and encourage him. They make him feel like one of “the guys.” It does not matter that he comes in last in all the races. I’ve heard them cheer as if he’s crossed the finish line in record time! It doesn’t matter that he is still reading picture books while they read novels. It does not matter if his presentation is short and very simple compared to theirs. They are excited to see Tate’s achievements even when they are very small.

Buddies: Jordan, Tate, and Ethan

Tate's classmates treat him as a valued member of their class, an equal. For this, I thank them. I thank these students for being kind to Tate and for making his life easier. I thank these students for making my life easier. I do not have to worry or wonder about Tate while he is at school because he has friends who look out for him. Thank You Baldwin Bulldogs, class of 2020.

Note: The letter I wrote for The Mighty caught the attention of People Magazine and that led to an interview and a great article published by Jeff Truesdell. You can read that here: A Lesson In Kindness

Teachers, Share this with your classes. Challenge them to make a difference in the lives of their classmates with special needs. Want to read more? Teaching Tate Social Reciprocity

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conversations and bowling pins

I have read some well-written blog articles this week.  The links are below.  The author of one of the blogs is the mother of a boy with autism. She expressed so many of the thoughts and emotions I have had since Tate’s diagnosis of autism.  The diagnosis for many of us moms is somewhat of a relief because it explains so much.  The diagnosis allows us to excuse some of the behaviors we did not understand.  Like the other mother, I also remember being VERY happy that the words “high functioning” were placed in front of the word “autism” each time the doctor gave his opinion.  Those two words softened the blow.  It was as if the words would mean the burden was easier to bear or those words would make our lives so much easier in the future. 

Also like the other mother, I hoped that all the early intervention would help “enough.” I hoped we could all but eliminate the handicap and repair his brain, leaving us with a quirky child, a child that was almost “normal.”  She and I have both found that the handicap only gets worse with age in many ways.  Some of the behaviors intensify.  Some of the behaviors do not intensify but appear to.  A five year old with an irrational fear does not appear nearly as handicapped as a teenager with an irrational fear.  Some of the things you have been able to stop your small child from doing, you cannot stop your six-foot tall child from doing.  New behaviors and challenges come with puberty. 

One of these posts is by a mother who knows the pain that comes from her child not being included by his peers.  Another post talks about how well her child is included by his peers.  Tate has been included by his peers and has not been mistreated at school.  I have never witnessed or overheard anyone speaking ill of Tate either.  In one of the blog articles I have read, the mother talked about the success of a buddy program in place for her son at school.  We have had something similar for Tate.  He has a lot of eyes watching out for him, always ready to step in and assist him if need be.  She also spoke of educating her son’s classmates about autism.  We have done that and found that it helped immensely.  Explaining Tate’s differences and the reason behind some of the odd behavior made it so much easier for the children to know what to expect from Tate and to be sympathetic to his quirks.  When we go out into our community, kids go out of the way to greet Tate, understanding that he will not necessarily remember their name, or even willingly return their greeting.  I usually thank the child for being friendly and apologize that Tate cannot remember their name.  The children are always very forgiving.  They usually even tell me “I know” when I remind them that Tate has a hard time remembering faces and names.  Yet they still keep trying.

Tate’s siblings are so aware of the handicapped people around them.  I’ve tried to instill a sort of golden rule there.  I have often reminded them to treat handicapped people they way they hope Tate is being treated by others.  They really have become good at going out of their way to be friendly to those around them who are “different.”  I talked my three college-aged kids into going bowling with me a couple mornings ago.  The little ones were in school and I wanted to spend some alone time with the big ones.  There was a handicapped man wiping down the counters.  He was very "quirky" and kept his head down but responded when we greeted him while we were choosing our bowling balls.  The song "These Are a Few of My Favorite Things" was on the intercom and I was singing along.  The man asked me if I liked the song.  I told him I did and I asked him about what he was doing for Christmas.  The more we talked, the taller he stood.  My son asked him to come and sit with us when he was done working.  He did not come over but did watch us from afar.  After a time, he was obviously done with his job and was waiting on his ride.  My son made a second attempt and being friendly and they had a nice conversation, mostly about his coat (very similar to the kind of thing a conversation with Tate would revolve around.)  The girls and I waited patiently for them to finish.  That conversation may, or may not have been, the highlight of that man’s day.  Regardless, it was much more important that knocking bowling pins down. I’ve thought about that man several times since we left the bowling alley.  Once upon a time, he was somebody’s little boy.  A generation ago, that man’s mother probably went through all the same emotions and fears that I have faced.  Before Tate entered my life I would not have gone out of my way to have a conversation with a handicapped man.  I would not have taught my kids to go out of their way to have a conversation with a handicapped man either.  Becoming the mother of a child with autism is one of the BEST "things" that has ever happened to me!  I hope that enough peer education is being done in schools and homes all around the country to ensure that Tate will be treated well when he ventures out into the real world.  And, I hope to return to the bowling alley soon, not so much because I want to knock down pins.  I want to see how my new "friend" is doing.

http://sheridacon.com/2013/12/17/unique-grief-special-needs-parents/

http://redvinesandredwine.blogspot.com/2013/10/this-is-how-inclusion-should-be.html

http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html