Sometimes There is Nothing I Can Do

How do you handle it when someone you have loved and looked up to your whole life disappoints you in such a way that it ruins your relationship? A relationship that meant so much to you that you have a hole in your heart that will never heal? The thing they did is terrible and it cannot be undone, fixed, or smoothed over by anyone but them? The relationship cannot be repaired... UNLESS you could go against your conscience and what you’ve always been taught is right, overlooking the transgression? What if people around you seem to be accepting the terrible thing they have done… are still doing? What if people around you are now living with this horrible thing that is openly displayed, ignoring it, and you cannot? What if you (an innocent party) are now the one who is looked at as “the bad guy” because you cannot accept the wickedness? The real “bad guy”, the one who made the awful choices, is now the “victim” in his mind, while you who have stood firm in your convictions, are seen as unforgiving and mean-spirited by the offender? How do you handle it?

Do you go to the scriptures, already knowing what’s there, to reaffirm your position? Do you go to the scriptures hoping that you have missed something, trying to prove to yourself that you have been wrong in holding your position? Do you pray for hours at a time, asking God to intervene? Do you become angry or depressed? Do you have nightmares so that you to lay awake at night, hoping you won’t dream them again? Do you turn to people you love and trust with your pain? Do you ask others to intervene and try to help fix what is wrong? Do you suffer in silence? Do you make yourself sick with worry? Do you smile and pretend it does not hurt every time you hear their name? Do you wait and wait and wait for time to heal the wound? Do you ask yourself if you should go ahead and throw in the towel, giving up your position and compromising your conscience to keep the peace? Do you lose your respect for those who already have? How do you handle it?

Sometimes, when my heart feels broken there is nothing I can do to remedy the event that caused the pain. I have felt the pain of delivering a baby that would never take a breath. There was nothing I could do.

Sometimes, when my heart feels broken I can roll up my sleeves and get busy. I have heard the words, “your child has autism. There is no cure. Now, here is what you do to help him…” I cannot cure autism but I can help my son to be the best that he can be. 

Sometimes, when my heart feels broken I know what needs to be done but I am not the one who can do it. I can ask the one(s) who do have the power to help but I cannot force them to do the right thing. I have seen a few calloused people with power close down a small rural school, which resulted in killing a whole community that I love. There was nothing I could do.

Sometimes, when my heart feels broken there is nothing I can do. I am powerless. I have felt the pain of being cut off by someone I love because I argued for the truth. Sometimes there is nothing I can do. 

I cannot always fix everything. Sometimes there is nothing I can do. Prayer is all I have left. God knows. God cares. That has to be enough.

The knots that I felt were tied so tightly in this life have slipped. I am not the one moving my position though. I am standing firm, though my heart is breaking. There is nothing worth losing my soul over. Eternity is too long. Sometimes there is nothing I can do.