Tate's a Winner, at Pictionary and More

Tate recently decided he'd heard enough
from his sister and silenced her. 

A couple of weeks ago we were invited to the home of friends for dinner. They have a pond behind their home and we all planned to do some fishing after dinner. Some of us were looking very forward to the fishing. One of us was not. Tate does not like to fish. He was not excited to be going on this outing at all, but that is not unusual. As luck would have it though a storm rolled in just after we arrived and we were stuck inside for the evening, fishing out of the question. This was quite okay with Tate. He goes everywhere prepared, with his tablet and his iPod. So Tate settled into a corner on a cushioned chair for the evening, pulled up a YouTube video and put in his headphones, shutting us all out. There were seven adults, two small children, and five teens present. The little ones ran off to play and the rest of us decided to play a game. We settled on Pictionary on the Nintendo Wii. We split up into three teams and someone asked Tate if he wanted to play. I was sure he would say, “No.” I’d have bet on it. He said, “Yes.” I was shocked and a bit apprehensive. I thought the team that got Tate would have a definite handicap and they would have to be awfully patient. After all, without much “theory of mind” he would not be a lot of help guessing at what others were drawing. Drawing has never been a strength for TateTa either…. But, no one was worried about winning or losing. We were all just a bunch of friends having fun.

Can you guess what Tate drew here?
The answer is in a note at the bottom of the post.
See if you guessed correctly. 

Each time it was Tate’s turn to draw we asked him to pick from the “Junior” words while the rest of us played using the “Adult” words. One person from a different team always looked at the word Tate was to illustrate to make sure he knew what it was and then that person would excuse himself from guessing. As it turned out Tate needed very little help. Once he forgot he was not supposed to read the word out loud and had to choose again. A couple of times he gave verbal clues. I kept reminding him that no words were allowed but he got a little confused when everyone was yelling out answers and asking him, “Is it a ____?” So, wanting to please them, he would forget he was not supposed to talk and answer them in words. I thought the funniest part of the evening was when Tate was to illustrate the word, “coal.” In addition to drawing a blob that no one could identify, he said, “It’s what Santa Claus gives to kids who have been naughty.” Of course that was in violation of the rules but we all cracked up. No one really cared the rules had been violated. They understood. They understood that Tate was a kid who not too many years ago could not define words. He would have been unable to give a clue verbally at all. He could not have defined the word “coal” or much of any other word. And that night he was doing that and so much more.

When Tate was small we invested every dollar we could scrape together into therapies to teach him. We put all our eggs into one basket. We used ABA therapy and did as many hours of discrete trial as we could fit into a day. If you do not know what ABA or discrete trial is, click here.

At age three Tate did not understand that an item could actually have more than one name. For example, He called cows, “cows.” When we tried to teach him that cows are also called “animals” he had a lot of trouble reconciling that in his mind. When we finally convinced him a cow is an animal, he would no longer call it a cow. We worked on a discrete trial program for a long time called “categories.” Another program was to teach synonyms as he was having so much trouble with the idea. I tried to convince him that sticks and twigs were the same. Bugs and Insects were also the same. It was so hard for him to accept. When Tate had mastered those simple programs we moved onto much harder things. Word definition had never gone very well. It required a lot more language than Tate had mastered for a long time. Hearing Tate describe “coal” I was reminded of all the hard work and how well it has paid off.

Another highlight of the evening for me was watching Tate interact with those around him. He watched the rest of us laughing and bragging about our successes during the evening. He heard us all teasing each other, claiming the other teams must be cheating when they pulled ahead. He wanted in on the fun. Tate began to “trash talk” and was very good at it. He looked to a friend next to him who was playing on another team and said, “I wonder what it will feel like when I win?” We laughed twice as hard at that comment since it had come from Tate. As it turned out, Tate did not have to wonder long. His team did win. He’s a winner in more ways than one.

Note: In the picture above, Tate was drawing a king. We all knew as soon as we saw the crown. I was very impressed. Tate's sister snapped a photo of the television screen as she was also quite impressed at how well he was doing. 

If you enjoyed this post you might like to read another. Executive Function and Al Capone

"Why" Questions, With No Answers

I read somewhere that a mother of a five or six year old child answers around 300 questions a day. Multiply that by the number of days in a year and the number of children around. Sometimes moms get tired of answering questions. Sometimes a mom might even tune some of those little voices right out and stop answering some of those questions. I’ve done it.

The where, how, what, and particularly the why questions can get tiring. And it is especially trying for a mom when a child questions her instructions with “why.” I have been known on occasion to use the old “Because I said so” standby that my own mother sometimes used.

My youngest two are eleven and thirteen so I should be done with the constant questions, but I am not. Because of Sydney’s developmental delay it seems we are stuck there, never able to move on to the next stage. I’m almost certain Sydney is still asking me 300 questions a day, much as a five or six year old would. Sometimes I feel like I am living a life like Bill Murray lived in the movie Groundhog Day. It gets so repetitive. Sometimes, I find myself tuning her out and even asking her to stop asking questions for a few minutes so I can concentrate on the task at hand.

Although Tate also has a developmental delay, his is a different story. Due to autism Tate rarely asked me the why or how questions, or much of anything else when he was younger. And when he did, it was something I celebrated by letting everyone close to us know that it had happened. But lately, Tate has surprised me several times, almost grilling me, about a subject. His why questions are coming more often but they are not usually the typical why questions a younger typically developing child would ask. Tate often wants to know the answers to questions that many of us would not ask.

Yesterday Tate asked me where his older sister was. I explained she was on a road trip, travelling to visit friends. So he pressed me for details, wondering exactly where she was. I was taken aback just a little but was happy to answer. I told Tate what state his sister is in right now. He then said, “How come she wanted to visit friends?” and after that one, “When will she be home?” Because Tate very seldom is interested enough to ask questions about these kinds of things, it was surprising to me. And as often happens, when Tate does something he did not do “on time” it is a giant reminder to me of all the things he SHOULD have done. And it reminds me just how far behind he really is, on more than one level. He truly did not understand why his sister would drive hours to see friends. He would not inconvenience himself like that to see someone. Knowing he could not comprehend the WHY behind my daughter’s trip made me sad. But I still celebrated his interest and the fact that he had asked.

Because of Tate’s lack of social skills, sometimes he loudly questions things the rest of us would not because it would be considered rude. For example, when we have visitors in Bible class (Sunday school), he demands to know WHY they have come. No matter how many times I remind him we want visitors to feel welcome and invite them back, he treats them as if they are intruders who need interrogating. I know his questions have a lot to do with the change in his routine. A visitor causes him a little unease. But, I have found myself wanting to ask Tate, “Seriously? Now? Now is the time you decide to ask questions? You did not ask them at all the appropriate times, but you can come up with this many questions when the time is not right?”

Alas, it would do no good to ask him because Tate answers questions with less reliability than he asks them. His receptive language is so much better than his expressive language so he cannot explain the motives he has behind much of anything. He cannot usually tell me why he does anything he does, nor can he put into words how he feels about things. When Tate uses the word “because” in a sentence it seldom really fits. He might explain to me why he paces when he is anxious by telling me, “Because that is what teenaged boys do.” If I ask him why he does not like the braces on his teeth he will tell me something like, “It is illegal to put braces on thirteen year old boys.” I think I know the answers to those questions and I suspect he also knows the answers to those questions but he cannot communicate those things to me with words.  

And just as I was typing up the end of my thoughts on this subject, my husband came from Tate’s room chuckling. He had just asked Tate to speak to his grandparents on the phone. Tate, totally baffled as to the reason his dad was interrupting his movie viewing to speak on the phone, asked, “Why?” Reasons like, “Because they’d like to hear from you.” or  “Because they love you.” do not really solve the mystery for Tate. So the first thing Tate said in the short phone conversation he had with his grandparents was of course, “Why’d you call here?”

You might also enjoy this post: Lost in the Translation or this one: Speaking Tate's Language

Lost in the Translation

Years ago I met a lady who was preparing to move to a country where they spoke primarily Spanish. While she was still learning Spanish, she had to translate the words in her mind from English to Spanish or from Spanish to English because she “thought” in English. After being submerged in Spanish for a while she told me she thought and even dreamed in Spanish, rarely using English anymore. Her primary language had changed from English to Spanish. That amazed me.

April 2, 2015

English is my first language but I speak one other language. I have become very fluent in autism. Autism will never be my first language but it is my son’s primary language. I have to think fast and translate back and forth in my mind as I listen to my son speak. Autism is similar to English but the dialect of autism we speak is difficult for many people to understand. When a person who does not speak autism comes into my home they can become confused because of the language barrier that will exist for them. They will be able to pick up on many of the words and ideas but not everything, much like the lady who was just learning Spanish when she moved to the country where everyone else spoke it fluently.

My son walks into the room and says, “When there is no cereal, I eat toast.” I think quickly and realize he means that we have run out of his favorite cereal and he is hungry. He would like for me to make him some toast. I know what you are thinking: Why didn’t he just say, “Hey mom, can you make me some toast and would you put cereal on the grocery list?” Well, someone who uses English predominantly might do that. But my son Tate speaks autism as his first language. English is his second language and he just cannot quite master it. He leaves out a lot of details, expecting me to fill in all the blanks. He, like many with autism, believes I am having the same thoughts and feelings he is having. It is very frustrating to him when I cannot speak his language and he has to try and use mine. We often go round and round in circles.

Speaking of thoughts and feelings… the dialect of autism my son speaks does not allow him to put feelings into words. He cannot really let me know he is sad, angry, confused, frustrated, uncomfortable, or disappointed, with words. Recently Tate learned to ride a bike and that has been incorporated into his Physical Education class at school. Having his bike at school makes him very uncomfortable. He likes everything in its proper place. I do not know this because he has put that into words. I know that because he says things like, “It’s illegal to keep a bike at school!” and, “We ride bikes on Wednesdays for six weeks. How long ‘til we bring the bike home?”

First Shave

So, the cereal/toast and the bike at school examples were easy ones. Let me give you another example of just how hard it can be to translate if you do not speak my son’s language. I had mentioned a few times in recent months that Tate was going to need to start shaving soon. That must have made him nervous because he began telling me he wanted to grow a beard. What I did not think about was the only thing Tate knew about shaving was that his dad smears shaving cream all over his face to shave. Tate has sensory issues and I never intended to have him shave with cream and a razor. He hates textures like shaving cream. Had I thought about the language barrier I would have talked to Tate about using an electric razor. I bought an electric razor and he was happy to be shaved.  He has stopped talking to me about his desire to grow a beard now. It’s a good thing. He only had about two-dozen long whiskers.

Just as it is difficult to translate some words into another language, my son cannot seem to translate a few of our English words into his language. In English the word “homework” would be defined as something like: assignments a teacher gives their student to complete outside of class. That word is taboo at our house but not for the reason you might think. It is not necessarily about avoiding the math worksheet or memorizing the spelling words. Schoolwork is work you do at school. But you NEVER do schoolwork at home. THAT is the difference between speaking English and speaking autism. Some of the words or phrases just do not mean the same things.

Then there are all the misunderstandings that come with our language barrier sometimes. This evening Tate’s dad was praising him for doing something correctly. Shawn said, “Tate! You were ‘right on the money.’” Tate looked around quickly and said, “What money?” All those kinds of quotes and sayings have to be explained to Tate because English is not his first language. Autism is. Recently, we were out in the woods close to our home, burning some brush and cutting some firewood. I had a small fire going and Tate was helping me throw tree branches on the fire. I saw he had thrown some of our sticks of firewood into our fire. I said, "Oh Tate, don't throw those on the fire. That is the firewood we are cutting." As soon as I heard myself I laughed. Of course he was throwing FIREWOOD onto the fire. What else would it be used for? I had not explained to him the difference between the firewood we were saving and the tree branches we were burning. Sometimes I just forget the language barrier and assume he understands the language I speak. How could he? His first language is autism and he is still struggling to understand English. 

One of the things Tate says most is, “Oh Sorry.” I hear it all day long. If he drops something he says it. If I have to repeat an instruction he says it. If he changes his mind he says it. If he misunderstands something he says it. If I misunderstand him he says it. Sometimes he says it because he cannot find the right words to use to make me understand what he needs me to understand. In English, “sorry” is an apology for something done wrong. In my son’s language it seems to be an apology for his struggles. I feel so badly for him because, no matter how patient I am with him, he seems to feel the need to apologize. I can’t seem to make him understand that he does not need to be sorry, that he is like a hero to me. He is living in a foreign country where he can barely speak the language and there is no need to apologize for the things he cannot help. Sometimes the language barrier from English to autism and back really stinks. Sometimes I wish I had an interpreter. 

If you liked this post you might like: Speaking Tate's Language or Loosing Language and Finding It. 

Reciprocity: Keeping the Ball Bouncing.

Reciprocity. Not a word I used in casual conversation until I entered the world of speech therapy with my son Tate who was without it. Reciprocity is defined as the practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit. I think of reciprocity as sort of like a game of catch. One throws “the ball” (the topic of interest) to another who catches it and throws it back. A person with social skills can keep the game of catch going for quite a while without losing interest in the game or dropping “the ball.”

Social skills, as most other things, have to be taught systematically to Tate. He does not pick things up from his environment. Then there is the fact that autism and reciprocity are like oil and water. Tate is not interested in others and hearing what they think about much of anything so asking them and attending to their answer would not come naturally to him.

Tate, age 12

It has taken years of teaching and reinforcing but we have recently seen some significant progress. Tate has started asking others how they feel or how they are doing, if they have first asked him. Granted, it does not mean he is actually INTERESTED in the answer they give but at least he appears to be. 

The first time I asked Tate what he had done “today” and he gave me an answer and then reciprocated with, “What did you do today?” I was blown away. He had done it! Did that mean he had mastered social reciprocity? Were we about to see some real back-and-forth social interaction? Were we going to start hearing real conversation from him? I was elated.

The second time I heard this new “skill” used was when I asked Tate, “What are you eating?” and he answered my question and said, “What are you eating?” I was not eating anything and it was obvious. Why had he asked me what I was eating? It left me scratching my head. The third time Tate demonstrated reciprocity was when I asked, “What movie are you watching?” and he answered and said, “What movie are you watching?” I was not watching a movie. So as time went on and we saw more and more of Tate's version of “reciprocity” I realized that although we had progress we did not have real conversation. What we had was actually a sort of glorified echolalia, or parroting. Sometimes it sounds like he is trying to be a real smart alack but he is absolutely not. He is trying to use the rule that we have taught him. When I ask him, “Have you brushed your teeth?” and he answers and repeats the question it sounds like he is being disrespectful or mocking me. He does not have a clue that it sounds that way. 

Like most other things we teach Tate, we teach the general rule and then we have to teach all the exceptions to the rules. Most children just learn these things from their environment. Most children have brains that are like sponges, absorbing major social rules and all the tiny nuances to the rules. So how do I teach Tate the exceptions to the reciprocity? Hmmmm. I haven't figured this one out.

Some situations I find myself in with Tate are comical. Recently, we were in a public place and I wanted to give Tate the opportunity to visit the men’s room. I quietly asked him, “Do you need to go to the men’s room?” He loudly responded, “No. Do you need to go to the men’s room?” That got some attention from others. Yesterday we ran into a friend in town and she asked Tate if he liked it at the Junior High. He responded, “Yeah. Do you like it at the Junior High?” She looked at me and laughed. She’s about sixty years old and Junior High is long behind her. Tate is about to have a birthday and an older sibling asked, "What do you want to do for your thirteenth birthday?" Tate responded with, "I want to go to Chuck E Cheese. What do you want to do for your thirteenth birthday?" That sibling is 24 years old. 

He’s got the general rule down though! We cannot get a question past him that he does not reciprocate! In the meantime, be careful what you ask him! 

If you liked this post, here is another similar one you might like: What brought you here?

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