The Things Autism Has Taught Me

Tate, age 13

Eight things autism has taught me

My thirteen-year-old son, Tate, has autism. I’ve said often over the last ten years that I hate autism but rarely have I said that autism has been a good teacher. I have learned much from it. I am a better parent and a better person because of autism.

1. Autism has taught me compassion and empathy on a level I never understood before. Watching my son wrestle with his anxiety and knowing he does not understand much of the world around him causes my heart to ache more deeply than I knew was possible.

2. Autism has taught me patience. I have never been a patient person but I almost never lose my patience with Tate.

The whole Smith family, December, 2014

3. Autism has taught me humility. After raising older children that excelled at almost anything they tried, I had become somewhat conceited. I have found it very humbling to sit in the office of school administrators and beg for the help my son needs. I have found it very humbling to have to explain my son’s behaviors to strangers. I see now that I was arrogant, and humbling is exactly what I needed. I am thankful I have been humbled.

4. Autism has taught me that “one size fits all” does not apply to parenting. Children with special needs sometimes need special parenting.

Tate, aged four at his early intervention preschool

5. Autism has taught me a lot about hard work. Autism has moved me to pursue every avenue of help for my son that I can. Autism has called me to be much more involved in my child’s education and has often meant I had to study and fight for the things he needs. 

6. Autism has taught me that hard work pays off. Early intervention was intensive and exhausting but the gains we saw were huge and well worth all the extensive time and effort we exerted. 

7. Autism has taught me not to let my guard down, because although MOST people are kind and can be trusted, not ALL people have pure motives. People with special needs can be easily victimized so a parent must be diligent and watchful.

8. Autism has taught me that people with special needs have a lot to offer. I used to be intimidated by people with special needs. I now know they are just people who might take a little longer to respond or need a little more help to get things done. But they are people and their lives have as much value as mine or anyone else’s. 

If you have someone in your life with a disability, search for the lessons you can learn. As you help that person to be the best they can be, you will likely find yourself becoming better and stronger as well.

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12 Things I'd Like My Son's Teachers to Know About Autism

This is the kind of list I would have handed my son's teacher in elementary school. It is pretty general. Stay tuned for a part two that is more Tate specific. 

Autism is a huge spectrum. If you have taught children with autism  before you may have a good general idea of what autism looks like. My son will still be different than the others. If you have questions about how autism affects him, ask me. Nothing will impress me more about you than your willingness to learn about my son's needs.

A routine and transition warnings are helpful for a child with autism. While we know that flexibility is an important life skill and one we need to work on, my son does not handle surprises or big changes in his routine well. Things like a substitute teacher, a fire drill, or a field trip are all going to cause anxiety for my son. A warning and clear instructions will help. A visual schedule would be a helpful tool for my son. Before transitioning to a new activity (especially when going from a preferred activity to a non preferred  activity) a five-minute warning, a two-minute warning, and patience will be needed. 

A child with autism needs extra time to process language. Use simple language and short sentences. Give no more than two-step instructions. Give my son at least three full seconds after you make a statement or ask a question to respond. If you choose to repeat, do not rephrase, as then he will have to start processing over again. Trying to hurry my son will only slow him down further.

Receptive language and expressive language are two different things. My son may understand much more than you think he does. He may not be able to put into words all the things he wants to say. On the other hand he may be able to quote long complicated phrases or passages without understanding any of the meaning of the words. It is difficult to know exactly what my child really knows and what he still needs to learn sometimes.

Children with autism are literal. Figurative language and abstract ideas are a mystery to a child with autism. So, when you say things like, “Pick up the pace” and your other students know you want them to walk faster, my son will be looking for something called “pace” that he should be lifting from the floor. These things happen all day long.

A child with autism can get stuck on one subject. My son obsesses about things that do not matter to you or I. He might want to talk about Disney movie characters or Muppets for a long period of time and there will be little you can do to distract him. He gets stuck in a continuous loop. Occasionally these topics of interest can be incorporated into his learning but mostly they distract him from learning.

A child with autism may need help with social interactions. My son will probably appear disinterested in his peers and he may actually be disinterested but he will never learn social skills unless we keep trying. You have him in a perfect setting for teaching social skills. It is an environment I cannot recreate at home. It would be so helpful if you would use every opportunity available there to teach and reteach social skills.

Sensory issues are a distraction for many children with autism. Sounds that are barely noticeable to you may distract my child and keep him from learning. Textures may cause my son to recoil in disgust. Smells may cause him to gag. Please be considerate of this. Over stimulation can sometimes overwhelm him and cause a meltdown. A meltdown looks similar to a temper tantrum but it is not the same at all.

Children with autism use stereotypic behaviors or repetitive behaviors when they are excited, bored, or stressed. My son will need redirection throughout the day. The behaviors will cause him to appear odd to his peers. Please consider giving the class an age appropriate definition of autism to help his peers understand.

Positive Reinforcement will be helpful but punishments will not. Punishments or threats of punishment will probably result in anxiety and impede progress. He will work toward a reward but will shut down if he fears a punishment.

People with autism tell the truth as they see it. My son may let you know you need to lose weight, you need a shave, or your breath smells bad. Do not take it personally. A sense of humor is a must when working with children with autism.

Kids with autism are not scary or unlovable. They are just different. Sometimes different is intimidating but educating yourself about autism and about my son will help. I’m can help with that! I will willingly answer any questions you have.

BONUS TIP: NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT IN MY SON'S EDUCATION THAN COMMUNICATION BETWEEN HOME AND SCHOOL. 

You might also like: 15 Truths of Parenting Special Kids 

Tate's wisdom x 10

These are things that made me giggle this past year or so. I wrote them down and put them in a file.  I went through them today. What do you think? Funny or not?

1. Tate’s bank was full of change. I said, "Want me to take this down to the bank and get your money counted? They will give you dollar bills for the coins." He said, "No thank you. The coins are really high-strung. We don't want to scare 'em."

2. Tate saw a box marked FRAGILE and asked, "Hey, why do you have a box of Fragile?”

3. I was heading into a store with Tate and he said, “I don't see any robbers.” I asked, “What does a robber look like?” He said, “They’ll be wearing black uniforms."

4. My older son and I were discussing spy / detective type things. He said, "I know a good way to tell if someone is following you?" Tate piped up with, "You look behind you."

5. Tate got into the car after school and as usual I asked, “Did you learn anything today?” He said they had learned about Christopher Columbus. I asked, “What did you learn about him?” Tate responded, “He’s dead.”

6. My kids were trying to find a show they could agree on. My daughter said she’d like to watch The Bionic Woman. Tate said, “Anna Biotic Woman?” I said, “Antibiotic? This is bionic not biotic” and I explained what bionic meant.  Tate said, “A woman Superman? I don’t think so.”

7. I was sitting with Tate. He broke the silence with, "Hey, how 'bout we talk about Count Dracula?" I said, "Um okay, what can you tell me about Count Dracula?" Tate replied, "He's been dead since 1938.”

8. Tate’s teacher tried some word association with him. She asked what a fork and spoon had in common. He said, “They ran away together.” (I think it was actually THE DISH who ran away with the spoon!)

9. I got a perm and then picked my kids up from school. The oldest one said, "Did you change your hair?" I said, "yeah." Tate jerked his head around and asked, "What did you do with your old hair?"

10. Tate was studying Egypt in Social Studies. He told me that the Egyptians had build pyramids with their feet. It took me a while but after some back and forth discussion, I finally understood. My literal kid may have become confused when the teacher explained the height and width of the pyramids, in feet.

And a bonus: Our cat Tom was looking in the door. Tate does not like cats but they seem to adore him. Tate's brother Levi began to try to convince me to let the cat inside. Levi started with, "that cat deserves.... " then Tate cut him off with "....a ticket to the animal shelter."

Tate's little sister Sydney was being tormented at school by a boy who kept calling her “gross.” I told her to pretend the boy was invisible and not to interact with him at all. Tate was truly trying to help and piped up with, "I have an idea. Go to school tomorrow and pretend you are not gross."