Thank You Baldwin Bulldogs, class of 2020

The Mighty is an online group of writers who are trying to make the world a better place. You can find them online at www.themighty.com or you can find them on Facebook. They have published a couple of my blog posts before and the editor asked me to consider participating in their November Thank you challenge. The challenge is to choose someone to write about that I do not say “Thank you” to often enough. This is almost an overwhelming task. How could I possibly choose just one person, or even one group of people, who I am thankful for? I could probably write Thank You notes for a year and not remember everyone that I need to thank. But, this is supposed to be one thank you and it did not take me long at all to decide what I wanted to write about.

My son Tate has autism. He is 13 and in the seventh grade. Tate performs at a grade level far below his peers, academically and socially. I could and should write thank you notes often, to each and every one of the teachers and staff involved in Tate’s individualized education. I definitely do not say it enough. Today however, I am going to say “Thank you” to the seventh grade class at Baldwin City Junior High School.

There are advantages to living in a small town sometimes. Tate will graduate with a class of approximately one hundred students. Tate began kindergarten with about twenty of them. He had the same kids in his class through third grade. Living in a small town, and Tate being the sixth of seven children, produced opportunities for us that many families of a special needs child would not have. I knew all the teachers and many of the parents and students. I was often in the classroom and able to educate Tate’s classmates about autism and Tate’s differences. I wanted “full disclosure” and often asked that the privacy policy be ignored. I talked openly about Tate’s disability and urged teachers to do the same. 

Tate in kindergarten

From the very beginning Tate's peers have treated him with respect and kindness. His classmates could see he needed help with many things and there were always lots of willing helpers available. At the end of their first grade year I thanked the children for being such good friends to Tate and asked them to promise they would help look out for Tate all the way through High School. They agreed, and they have kept their promise thus far.

For five years Tate has had a lunch buddy program so that he can receive social instruction from an adult coach while surrounded by peers. In elementary school, students had a chance to sign-up to be a part of it with their parents’ permission. There was always a waiting list and never a lack of enthusiasm for eating lunch with Tate. The program has evolved somewhat. Now, part of the week Tate sits at a table with peers and no adult. Other days he invites a friend or two to eat with him and a teacher at a smaller table so he can work on social skills. Rarely does a student ask for a “rain check.” If Tate calls, they answer the calling!

A fifth grade track meet

So many children with special needs have to worry about bullies. So many children with special needs are lonely or forgotten. Tate has never been bullied, not even once, that I am aware of; and many of his peers call him “friend” although Tate does not often reciprocate their kindnesses. Tate’s understanding of social skills and reciprocity is greatly lacking. His peers know it and they accept it. They give, asking nothing in return. They include Tate whenever possible. They gently give him social skills instruction when it is needed. They help him with tasks that are difficult for him. They teach him and encourage him. They make him feel like one of “the guys.” It does not matter that he comes in last in all the races. I’ve heard them cheer as if he’s crossed the finish line in record time! It doesn’t matter that he is still reading picture books while they read novels. It does not matter if his presentation is short and very simple compared to theirs. They are excited to see Tate’s achievements even when they are very small.

Buddies: Jordan, Tate, and Ethan

Tate's classmates treat him as a valued member of their class, an equal. For this, I thank them. I thank these students for being kind to Tate and for making his life easier. I thank these students for making my life easier. I do not have to worry or wonder about Tate while he is at school because he has friends who look out for him. Thank You Baldwin Bulldogs, class of 2020.

Note: The letter I wrote for The Mighty caught the attention of People Magazine and that led to an interview and a great article published by Jeff Truesdell. You can read that here: A Lesson In Kindness

Teachers, Share this with your classes. Challenge them to make a difference in the lives of their classmates with special needs. Want to read more? Teaching Tate Social Reciprocity

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Heart Attacks and Loose Teeth

Sydney has become more aware of her peers and their opinions this year.  Because of her lack of impulse control and her inability to determine right from wrong due to the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), it can be pretty concerning. I always request that Sydney be exposed to positive peer models and the amount of time spent with children who have behavioral issues be minimized, but in a public school setting this is not always possible. Sydney has been acquiring lots of interesting knowledge this year to say the least. The school year began with her coming home with gravel in her pockets. She believed those ordinary rocks to be valuable.  It seems a boy on the playground told her they were fossils because they had little bits of color in them. When I asked what they were fossils of she explained the boy claimed they were the knee bones of Indians. That was the first week of school so I knew from the start it was going to be a very exciting school year. The same boy has given her a lot of “facts” about dinosaurs, insects, and weather that are not exactly accurate too.  I’m not sure if he believes the stuff he tells her or if he just makes it up as he goes along, silently laughing as my gullible daughter soaks it all up.

The most recent bit of misinformation that Sydney believes to be true is something she learned from a little girl in her math group. Apparently, a person can die of a heart attack if they are exposed to too much math in one sitting. This little girl claims her own dearly departed grandmother suffered “death by multiplication tables”. I’m having a hard time convincing Sydney that it couldn’t happen. 

Another tooth gone

The same sweet little darling classmate lost a tooth last week. Sydney could not be outdone. She came home and insisted she needed to take out a tooth. Unfortunately, there were no loose teeth in Sydney’s mouth. She wanted me to help her get one of her front teeth out and I explained it was a permanent tooth. She said, “I don’t mind. I don’t want that one.” It took two days of prodding and wiggling, but she found a baby tooth with just a little play in it and she got it out. It still had quite a bit of root on it and left a large hole but she was thrilled. She’d lost a tooth just like her friend. The reason she has so few teeth left to lose? This actually wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. In kindergarten and first grade the teachers had charts for the students to add a sticker to if they lost a tooth. Sydney loved the attention that came with putting a sticker on the chart so much she was willing to suffer the pain of pulling teeth that really were not yet ready to be pulled. The alcohol Sydney’s birth mother consumed while pregnant really did a number on Sydney’s threshold of pain.

Sydney has come home with some very entertaining stories lately. With help from her teacher, I’ve been able to unravel a few mysteries. Sometimes Sydney’s stories are like onions and I have to peel back a few layers to really get a good picture. Sydney and a friend were disciplined at school a couple of weeks ago for name calling in the classroom. The two girls had been picking on some of the boys. Sydney’s teacher wrote a note on the weekly calendar that the students bring home each week to let me know that Sydney had been in trouble. I never saw the note. When the teacher looked for my reply the next day, she saw it had been erased! I spoke very seriously with Sydney about it. Sydney claimed she did not erase the note. Her friend and partner in crime did it. I am pretty sure there is a “Leave it to Beaver” episode in this story somewhere.

Because of the name-calling incident, Sydney’s teacher decided the two girls would be better off sitting further apart and she moved their desks. Sydney confided to me right after school that day that the two girls had a plan to right “the injustice” of such a “cruel” punishment. They were going to DEMAND a meeting with the teacher the next morning and insist she allow them to be reunited. Sometimes it is very hard to keep a straight face when Sydney is telling me these things. I find third grade drama extremely funny. I could hardly wait to hear the next installment when I picked her up the following day. I had emailed the teacher to warn her of the coup attempt so she was ready for them. I so wish I could have been a fly on the wall during the girls’ plea for justice. Sydney never did understand why their demands were not met.

 

I’ve been overjoyed this school year because Sydney is making friends. Last year she was shunned by the girls in her class and bullied by the boys. This year she has had fewer of those sad sagas and is a lot happier. I suppose it could partially be the personalities of the different students in her class this year but I also see her maturing. She still has all the same disabilities but she is gaining some “street smarts” that she really needed. I know public school takes a mom’s innocent little five year old, exposes them to all kinds of words and ideas that they would be better off not knowing. I’m not really glad that Sydney or any of my other kids have ever come home to ask me what some filthy word meant. I’m not really happy that Sydney or any of my other kids have ever come home to tell me a filthy joke that they did not understand the meaning of. Those kinds of things I WISH I could have sheltered all my kids from.  However, by age ten, Sydney should have caught on by now that others do not always have her best interest at heart and that sometimes following other people blindly will get her into trouble. The FAS left her with so little impulse control, she has a difficult time thinking before she acts. If a classmate suggests an activity (even one she has been warned about), she does not (cannot) stop and consider the consequences usually. I believe she is beginning to develop some self-control that we have not seen before. So, I suppose when I count my blessings I should count her peers (even the ones with questionable intentions) as a blessing to us.

Here's a similar post if you want another great post: "Just Another Day in Paradise."

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