Advice for the Advice Givers

I recently asked parents to tell me some of the worst advice they had ever gotten. There were some pretty ridiculous things suggested. I thought the prize for the absolute worst advice should go to the mother who wrote that she had been told to put whisky in her child’s bottle to calm him.

Have you ever been one of these well meaning counselors and offered unsolicited advice? Maybe not with advice as outlandish as putting alcohol into a baby’s bottle but have you ever offered someone advice that they did not ask you for? What motivated you? When you did it, did you have all the facts? Did you know the child? Did you know the parents? Were you really qualified to give advice at all? I’m guilty. I’ve done it. I try not to do it and have gotten much better at the realization that unsolicited advice is unwanted advice.

Here are a few more thoughts to ponder… What makes a person believe they are an authority on child rearing? Do they have seven kids or something? (A little joke there.) Did they get a manual that the rest of us missed out on? Did they take a bunch of classes on parenting? And who were their teachers? Were the teachers qualified?

I had a great example in my own parents. But, I learned what worked with my own kids, “on the job.” I know my own kids. I don’t know your kids. It is my responsibility to do what is best for my kids and it is your responsibility to do what’s best for yours. It is not my responsibility to convince you to do things my way nor is it your responsibility to convert the rest of us parents to doing things the way you prefer. Does it really matter if your kid has a pacifier 'til he is four and mine gave his up at age two? Really?  

It blows my mind when someone without children offers parental advice. I also find it hard to bite my tongue when a young parent with one child or even a couple, suddenly becomes an authority on child rearing and tells me what I should try. Believe me, I've probably already tried it! The things these parents are doing for their own kid(s) are successful so they decide they will do me a favor and pass on their secrets. Here’s the thing about that.... Believe it or not, there is not a “one size fits all” policy for much of anything. Here’s an example: One of the most common tips I have heard over the years goes something like, “Put the food on the table. If the kid is hungry enough he will eventually eat.” I say, “Yeah. That would have worked for two of my kids easily, and maybe a couple of them after a while, but for some kids it will not work. Two of mine would have lost an awful lot of weight while I tried to teach them this lesson.” Have you ever told your kid they were trying peas or else? I have. I have also had to clean up the vomit that landed all over the dinner table immediately following the pea tasting. What did that accomplish? It gave that child a long-lasting phobia about trying new things, made us both feel terrible, and it ruined a meal for the whole family. Have you ever forced a green bean into a kid’s mouth and watched it come back out his nose? What did that accomplish? You get the picture. And, by the way, those were not children with disabilities.

Tate and his duck Boris

But, if you want to hear about children with disabilities… Have you ever watched a kid go 3 days without eating because you couldn’t find anything he would eat? Yeah. Three days. Autism stinks.

Sydney will eat "anything"

So, since this is my blog, I’m going to give some advice here. It is advice for the advice givers: Stop telling people that kids will eat what you give them if you stop catering to their whims! Your kid(s) are not necessarily the rule and my kids are not necessarily the exception. All kids are different. One rule does not fit for every kid. One rule does not even apply for all kids with autism. A lot of kids with autism have a very limited diet, but not all do. I have known people with autism who eat almost anything. I have known a child with autism who would eat one thing, mustard flavored pretzels. I had a boy without autism who lived on waffles and not much else for his toddler years. He was the one who had a green bean come out his nose once. His pediatrician was fully aware that he only ate waffles, and was not worried. Guess what? He turned out fine. 

Tate, aged 2 ½ 

When I asked other parents about unsolicited advice they had gotten, many of the responses were about discipline. Some parents were advised to spank more. Some were told to stop spanking. Some were told they were too lenient while other had been told they needed to loosen up. Here again, my seven children required different amounts of correction and different kinds of discipline. One child needed a frown from me; a frown would stop him in his tracks. I am not going to debate spanking in this blog post or in the comments after from my readers. I will only say that a spanking is not equal to abuse and I respect a parent’s right to choose whether to spank or not. It is no one’s business except the parent involved. One of the comments I liked the most when I was seeking input for this blog post was from a mother of a child with autism who stuck to the child’s behavior plan. A behavior plan outlines the expected behavior and the consequences of breaking the rules. From the folks on the sidelines, the mother kept hearing, "Can't you give that kid a break?!" She says that she now has an “incredibly mature, responsible, social, caring, calm, young man” and people now understand, “a break was NOT what he needed at all. He needed the consistency we provided.” She goes on to point out, “NOW he can have a break!!” Kudos to this mother for staying the course, despite those who would have steered her in the wrong direction.

Some of the most recent balderdash I have gotten was from a random reader of my blog. She told me that the ABA therapy I had provided my son when he was young was torturous. She knew this because her little girl was in preschool with a boy who has autism and she had seen his therapy. I kid you not. Of course I immediately began to campaign against ABA therapy based on her vast research and knowledge of the subject. (Like all the sarcasm inserted here?)

What is a parent to do about all the conflicting, unwanted, unneeded comments and advice? I will tell you what I do. I have learned to smile, act interested, and then disregard the counsel given by all these generous folk. Most of us have people we can turn to for advice. If we need it we know whom we want to ask. But if you find you still feel the need to give advice, start a blog. People can read if they want and leave at any time they don’t. If you made it this far then you didn't take off, thank you for reading. Leave me a comment and tell me some of the "best" advice you've ever gotten. I want to see if anyone can beat the "whiskey in the baby bottle" thing.

You might like to read this post: Encouragers are needed. Be one. 

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Cleaning, Filling, and Straightening the Teeth of Autism

Going to the dentist can be very stressful for people with autism. The noises and smells, the poking and prodding, the bright lights that shine in your face, while you are tipped back in a chair that changes heights, can all be over stimulating for sure. We went this week and Tate got his teeth cleaned. He is finally tolerating it all very well and I can give most of the credit to the magnificent dental hygienist who cleans his teeth and a team of dentists who are so patient and kind.

Tate’s siblings went for a “happy visit” to our dentist when they were about five and the dentist just sat them in the chair and counted their teeth. After that, we would start going regularly for cleanings. Tate’s first visit did not go well. He was uneasy in the chair and panicked when it laid back. He would not hold his mouth open and gagged anytime the dentist tried to put anything in his mouth. I was not surprised. I wondered if he’d ever be able to see a dentist and what we would do in the event of a cavity. For that matter, how would I know if there was a cavity? Tate did not tell me when he was hurting. He did not have the ability to communicate to me when he hurt. He often had terrible ear infections as a toddler but I never knew until there was a fever. It was always a guessing game for me. Sometimes I took him to the doctor suspecting an ear infection, and there was nothing wrong and sometimes the doctor would say, “OUCH, he must be in so much pain!” And, Tate never said a word or indicated to me that he was in pain. But I was talking about teeth…

I was able to brush Tate’s teeth at home but usually had to get him in a headlock to do a very good job. I did not accomplish the headlock and the good job every day. If I handed Tate the toothbrush he would rub it on a couple of front teeth, spit, toss the toothbrush toward the sink, and call it done. He actually does not do much better than that now, at age 12. I cannot still get him in a headlock and I have to stand on a stepstool if I am going to help him these days. He is so tall!

That first time in the dentist chair at age five, was a disaster, but all was not lost because of an amazing dentist with some great ideas. The dentist sent us home with a little mirror on a stick and told me to “play” dentist with Tate. He told me to get a sturdy chair and practice reclining him in it and putting the mirror in his mouth until he could tolerate it without gagging. I did that several times over the next few months and Tate became tolerant of it. The next trip we made to the dentist went very well.

HOWEVER, the first time Tate had a cavity we were back to square one. I believe he was seven years old. The visit to try and fill the cavity was disastrous. So, we rescheduled and arranged for an anesthesiologist to put Tate under so the dentist could fill two cavities and get x-rays. It was expensive but it did not look like there would be any other way.

Getting that filling was quite an experience. He had no idea what was going to happen and not enough receptive language for me to really explain it to him. When we got to the dental office I told Tate he would be taking a nap in the dental chair and I pulled out a new DVD and his little DVD player. Tate was elated. He climbed right up into the chair and started his movie. They gave him a shot almost right away. It must have hurt ‘cause he hollered, but he did relax right away. He did not even flinch for the IV. They wrapped him tightly in a blanket and taped his eyes shut and then it was time for me to leave. I hated walking out of that room. I was banking on him not remembering anything but later that day he told me several times that he had bad dreams while he took his nap at the dentist and “they moved his teeth all around.” It probably felt like they had. They filled two cavities, removed two baby teeth, put sealants on his molars, took xrays, and plaster impressions for an orthodontist. They did it all in 90 minutes. Coming out of the anesthetic was rough. He kept bursting into tears and saying, “I’m so sad.” He insisted I kiss him so I kissed his cheek. He said, “No! Kiss my mouth.” His breath about knocked me down but duty called. HA

The plaster impressions they took that day were sent to an orthodontist. Tate’s teeth were actually so crowded that some were coming in behind others, but I thought any notion of Tate being able to handle braces in his mouth was absolutely ridiculous. I did go to a consultation with an orthodontist who assured me that he could put braces in Tate's mouth, move his teeth, and do it without overwhelming Tate (or his mother). We found that the orthodontist was just as incredible as our dentist. Tate was amazing. He did very little complaining and handled much more than I ever dreamed he would be able to. We went slow and did a minimal amount of work on the teeth but it made all the difference. The braces were worn for about a year, while Tate was in second and third grade. His under-bite was fixed and his teeth do not overlap like they once did. We found that wearing a retainer is out of the question though. Tate can’t even hold it in his mouth without choking and gagging. We hope to go back in the future for more work on straightening everything up further. 

2010               and                2011

Tate had a cavity filled in the dental office without anesthesia a couple of years after that first cavity was filled. He did quite well and I thought we would be fine from there on out. However, we tried to get a cavity filled in the Spring of this year and the drilling was just too much for him. Tate tried so hard to cooperate but he could not. He kept closing his mouth and putting his tongue in the way. He asked for a drink over and over and gagged a lot. The dentist tried everything he could but it was not going to happen that day. So, we rescheduled and called in the good old anesthesiologist again. The experience was very similar to the first time except he only had to be under for about 20 minutes. This time, upon awakening he did not cry. He just said, “I love you, Mom” about fifty times which has become something he does when he is stressed lately. I don't hear it often enough and I do love hearing it but wish it was not usually under duress. 

The other day when we went for the cleaning? They suggested we begin using a Sonic toothbrush. I haven't worked up the nerve yet to suggest we push something noisy and wiggly in Tate's mouth. School starting back up was stress enough for one week. I guess I had better practice my ninja moves and my headlock holds and break out the electric toothbrush soon though.

I recently blogged about our last trip to see a medical doctor. You can read that here: Immunizations 

Find me on Facebook at Quirks and Chaos. Like what you read? Want to become a follower? Click on the Google Friend Following gadget on this blog. It's over on the right side and asks you to subscribe. Or you can add the URL (the web address in your search bar) to your Reading List. You can do that by clicking the plus sign in front of the URL. Thanks! 

It's Too Loud In Here!

Many people with autism like to be alone. They like quiet. They like calm. They might like some noise but only controlled noise. So, they don’t necessarily want silence and I’m not sure it is even about volume so much. They just don’t want unpredictable noise or chaos. For example, Tate loves music, television, and movies. He even likes surround sound but he NEEDS to be in control of the noise. He needs to be able to walk away if he is feeling overwhelmed. He wants to pick the movie and control the remote. He can feel at ease if he is controlling his environment and is able to predict what is going to happen. Touch, smell, taste, and sight are all a big deal to a kid with autism and I recently addressed some of Tate’s issues with touch. Noises (sound) are also an issue with many kids with autism.

Tonight we went to a restaurant. Ten feet from where Tate was sitting was a crying baby. Now, Tate doesn’t hate babies but Tate was miserable. He squirmed. He complained. He whispered things about babies who cry (whispering to himself is one of his stims). He stuck his fingers deep into his ears. He asked me if I had any headphones. (They use headphones at school to help with the noise level sometimes.) The screaming went on for about ten minutes while the mother ignored her baby. I love babies; but I honestly was beginning to squirm a little myself. Finally, the mother picked the baby up and gave him a bottle. The little guy went right to sleep and we were able to enjoy our meal. I have a friend who has a son with autism who probably couldn’t have lasted the ten minutes. They would have had to leave after just the first cries. Interestingly enough though, I have another friend who has a son with autism and when he goes to a restaurant he, himself, makes a lot of noise. He is non-verbal and one of his stims is to make loud noises. (Remember, autism is a spectrum and people are all over that spectrum.) The same young man who likes to make loud noises? When his baby brother cries he puts his hands over his ears! My theory on this is that he does not like his baby brother’s noises because they are totally out of his control and unpredictable. He needs to be in control of the noise to be able to tolerate it.

Just hangin' out, upside down.

Recently, Tate’s sister and I were in the living room watching a movie that Tate loves. I told him I wanted him to watch it with us. He watched it but he could not relax and really enjoy it. He sat in a hard backed chair behind the couch, instead of on the couch with us, and watched from the dinning room. He could not relax because he was not in control. He was not alone to enjoy the movie and he was not going to be able to pause it if he wanted to, or run it back and watch his favorite parts more than once, or fast forward through the song he did not like. He would have enjoyed the movie so much more if he’d been alone to watch it. When given the choice he will almost always choose to be alone.

Having seven children and belonging to a small, close-knit church family, we have always had a lot of “people traffic” coming through the house. It sometimes gets pretty loud in our home. When he was little, Tate did not hang out in the living area, showing off, and trying to get the attention of the adults as my older children had. He did not run off to play with the other children. He usually snuck off to my room, climbed into my bed to watch television, and wait for everyone to leave. I’d find him and invite him to be a part of our gathering, but know that he would not be coming out until the noise level was back down to his liking.

Tonight when the baby was crying, I was not only feeling a little stressed from hearing it myself, but I was watching Tate squirm and I was feeling stressed because he was stressed. I try hard to make his world “autism friendly” while at the same time challenging him to step out of his comfort zone and make his world a little bit bigger. It’s a fine line. I am usually guilty of staying far inside his boundaries to keep him happy but once in a while I drag him too far across the line and feel terrible about it. Sometimes it does pay off though. Sometimes, instead of a meltdown and huge amounts of anxiety, that lead to nothing but more anxiety, we get growth.

Going through a carwash was out of the question a few years ago. The noise terrified Tate. Now they are very doable. Tate still becomes a little nervous, probably because of the noise, but he loves watching the soapsuds cascade down the windshield. Smoke detectors at home and fire drills at school are no longer things that send him into a panic. Fireworks are another example of progress made. When Tate was young, a fireworks show would drive him over the edge. On the fourth of July, his siblings would have a great time with their dad out in the yard lighting fireworks. Tate would be inside in my bed hiding under blankets while I tried to soothe him. We did not stop celebrating the fourth or make our older kids go somewhere else to light their fireworks. Although we are very considerate of Tate’s disability and his sensory issues, it cannot ALWAYS be about Tate. We do have six other kids who need parents too. Surprise! Somewhere around age six or seven, Tate decided fireworks were pretty cool. Now he looks very forward each year to those loud pops and booms. He still watches and listens with his fingers in his ears but he enjoys the lights and noise quite a bit. He’s really livin’ on the edge now, huh?

Note: Most children with autism have Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and I will be writing more about Tate’s sensory issues in the near future. I recently wrote a blog post entitled “Don’t Touch My Skin” about his aversion to touch that you might find interesting.

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