The day I forgot...

You know that feeling of horror you get when you goof up in front of someone else?  What about if your goof also affects them in a horrible way?  Maybe you slip and fall on the ice and quickly get up to look around and see how many people saw.  This past week I did not just slip and fall in front of a crowd of people but I slipped and fell taking the whole crowd down with me.  This is all just a parallel but you get the idea.  I do embarrassing things all the time.  My poor husband suffers through them all quite bravely.  My kids do not.  One of my older daughters is constantly trying to teach me the correct way to behave in public but I do not believe she thinks I am making any progress under her tutorials. 

It’s been a week since I made a really big mistake and I’m ready to talk…  This is the kind of mistake that did not just make a small tremor in my world, but quaked the ground of the community in which I live.  Okay, so I am exaggerating a little, and it will someday be “no big deal” to the people involved, but on the day it happened…. it was huge.

If you’ve read very many of my blog posts then you are well acquainted with Sydney.  If you haven’t been following long, check out some of the older blog posts.  Here is enough background to get you to where you need to be in order to understand how huge my gaffe was… Sydney’s birth mother drank a lot of alcohol while pregnant.  Sydney will suffer the effects of that the rest of her life.  It has not been an easy nine years for her, or for our family, but since the discovery of the wonderful doctor who prescribed two medications to “slow her down” and help her to focus and learn, our lives have changed for the better.  Just saying “our lives have changed for the better” seems inadequate though.  Before we began these medications, I followed a little tornado around all day.  She could not sit calmly; even to eat.  She could not learn the names of shapes or colors, the alphabet, how to count, or even how to do one-piece puzzles, because her mind was never still long enough.  I heard a special education teacher say once that teaching a child with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome was like throwing a ping-pong ball at another ping-pong ball that was bouncing and trying to connect.  She said that she was able to get the child’s attention for a brief moment about as often as she’d be able to hit that bouncing target with her ball.  I thought it was an excellent illustration.  Sydney has now had three plus years on medication and it is like night and day.  She is still somewhat immature, even on the medication, but I can almost imagine she is “typically developing” from 8:00 AM until 7:00 PM most days now.  Sydney has caught up to her peers in reading, with the exception of comprehension.  This is the semester that numbers have begun to make sense to her as well.  I’m excited to say she is doing two-digit addition, simple subtraction, and has mastered quite a few multiplication families.  For years she has been stuck redoing kindergarten math.  That has finally changed. 

So, are you ready to hear how I goofed?  You may have already guessed it.  One day last week I forgot to give Sydney her medication and I took her to school.  I have no idea how it happened.  Usually the difference in Sydney when she wakes around 7:00 in the morning, and an hour later when I deliver her to school is profound.  Once in a great while, her morning starts out calmly enough that I am not RACING to the pill bottles as soon as she jumps out of the bed.  I guess that last Tuesday was one of those mornings. I simply forgot the pills.   

I delivered Sydney to school and went Xmas shopping.  I had a great day.  No one at school did.  When it was time for me to head home, I took a minute to check my email.  It was about forty-five minutes before the school day ended.  I had email from two teachers telling me that Sydney was not herself.  I thought back to our morning at home and realized that I must have forgotten the medication.  I could not call the school fast enough.  I was able to talk to the principal and apologize over and over and over again.  You see, I KNOW what Sydney looks like off her medication.  The school staff was not prepared for what they had to deal with that day.  It had been three years since I had dealt with THAT Sydney but I remember what a struggle it was to get through a day.  The small tornado had been unleashed and I was the one responsible. 

I am so impressed with Sydney’s teacher this year.  I like her more with every passing week.  This is the first year Sydney has had a classroom teacher who I’ve not known well.  Her teachers in the past have had some (if not all) of her siblings and have watched her grow up.  All but one of her previous teachers were at her baby shower!  Our little rural school was closed a few years ago and we were forced to move the kids to school in town.  If you’ve read previous blog posts you will know that I had to constantly battle with that original special education team to get adequate help for Tate and Sydney.  We live in a small community and all that fighting left me with a reputation that I have been trying to live down ever since.  I don’t consider myself scary or intimidating but I’ve been told that some of the staff at the new school thinks that I am.  Add all that to something Sydney told me and I suppose that is why no one called me early in the day to inquire about Sydney’s “questionable” behavior.  Sydney told me that when she was asked about whether or not she had taken her pills, she told a teacher she was out of pills.  Now, Sydney’s medication is very expensive.  The two prescriptions combined are almost $400.00 each month.  Multiply that by 12 months for 3 years!  Our insurance does pick up a portion of that after we meet a deductible but we’d find a way to buy it anyway.  The difference in Sydney with and without the medication is just that enormous.  I think I’d sell my car (or a kidney) before I’d let her run out of her pills.  Ha!

The tornado, or as her siblings used to call her when she was very small, the monster, had been unleashed on Sydney’s poor schoolmates.  If you’ve never read one of my posts describing a typical morning with Sydney before the meds kick in, scroll down and read one, then imagine living that for eight hours, all the while trying to teach another twenty kids in the room the things they were supposed to learn that day.  That is what I put Sydney’s teacher through when I forgot her medication.  Imagine being eight years old and trying to learn and pay attention to the teacher while one of your classmates ran around the room causing chaos.  That is what I put Sydney’s classmates through.  They tell me she could not do simple math that day.  She could not read a simple passage.  She could not draw a picture.  She was intent on aggravating the other students and singled out one in particular to torment again and again.  She was “out of control.” 

I’m not sure that saying Sydney was “not herself” was really accurate.  Unfortunately, that is exactly who she was that day: herself.  It was all the other days that she was not the “real” Sydney.  You see, the medicated Sydney is sweet, affectionate, cute, calm, and so easy to love.  The medication alters who she is so she can learn but it also alters who she is so other people can enjoy her.  Sadly, the natural (non-medicated) Sydney, the Sydney that alcohol destroyed, is wild, aggressive, hyperactive, loud, obnoxious, and she tests the patience of even the most tolerant people.  But wait! Can I even say the unmedicated Sydney is a true picture of who Sydney is?  Perhaps the real Sydney, the Sydney without the effects of the alcohol, would be very much like the medicated Sydney.  It is something to think about!

If you’ve never known a child with extreme ADHD then you may have trouble understanding just how much we value the medication.  The contrast is THAT amazing.  I myself did not believe it until I saw it.  My kids have had classmates in years past that were behavioral problems in the classroom.  Me, not understanding, often figured they were kids who had gone undisciplined.  I now understand that they may have been kids with ADHD.  Perhaps their parents were reluctant to use medication.  Perhaps their parents had not found medication that made a difference.  Perhaps there is not a medication that can help some kids to the degree Sydney’s medications help her.  I do not know; but I do know this: Sydney takes her pills and about an hour later she has some self-control.  An hour after she takes her pills her brothers can come out of their rooms without fear of being tormented.  An hour after she takes her pills she can have an intelligent conversation.  I also know this:  A pregnant woman who drinks is inflicting a life-long disability on their unborn child.  The world would be a better place if there were no alcohol in it.

If you like reading about Sydney, here is another post you might enjoy: Never a Dull Moment

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Regrets

I’ve been doing some deep thinking lately.  I’m getting older and four of my seven children have left home.  I’ve been pondering some what-ifs and reminiscing.  I know that it is normal for people to have regrets and wish they could do some things differently when they look back at their lives.  I definitely would make a few different choices on a few different days from my past, especially from my teen years.  I think most of those kinds of things are completely normal. 

I am really proud of the way my children have turned out so far and do not have regrets there.  However, there are a very few things I would do differently concerning the raising of my children.  I am motivated to write this blog post because I would love for young mothers to listen and learn from the things I wish I had done a little differently.  

The following may seem like a small thing but it is not.  One of the things I would do differently is Christmas.  I let it get out of control.  When the first couple of children were small I set the precedent and did not look to the future.  I over-bought for the kids and didn’t know how to stop it once it was started.  I love the new idea I have heard from several young mothers.  They limit their gift giving to four things and ask grandparents to limit their gifts as well.  The idea I have heard is that kids only receive “something you wear, something you read, something you want, and something you need.”  My kids are not necessarily greedy but they expect things that they should not have been taught (by me) to expect.  Teach your children about giving more than receiving at Christmas time.  I wish I had done that.

I hesitate to share some things for fear that people might think I am boasting. That is not my intent here.  Here goes:  I have been stopped by complete strangers many times over the years and complimented on the behavior of my children, in restaurants, in department stores, while grocery shopping, at church services…  Of course, the first question was usually, “Are they all yours?”  There are two things I’d like to say about this.  The first is that I was probably way too hard on the oldest children, especially the firstborn.  From the time he was a toddler he had to tow the line.  There was not any compromise.  He was expected to obey and to obey immediately without question.  He was loved, and played with, and read to, and rocked, but he was never allowed to let the terrible-twos rear their ugly head.  He never threw a tantrum that was ignored or sassed his mother unless it was addressed.  I’m NOT saying that parents should allow their children to be unruly or rebellious.  I am saying that I now know some things I did not know then.  Kids should be able to express themselves once in a while without fear of a spanking, and an occasional tantrum from a small child is only “normal.”  I wish I had been a little more understanding and given a few less spankings.  My younger children were given a little more leniencies when they misbehaved.   

The second thing I’d like to say on this topic of well-behaved children is that I now fully understand that some children are much easier to train and mold than others.  Some kids are even easier to love than others.  My first five kids were typically developing, easy-going, fun kids.  I had no idea that there were kids out there who were unable to follow directions because of a disability.  I had never heard of “sensory” issues or many of the things I have dealt with since Tate was born.  My regret here would be because I was judgmental of many others whose children did NOT obey them.  I felt superior because my children were well behaved.  I regret my thoughts and attitude!  Don’t make my mistake and look at another mother and judge her harshly.

I do not "regret" adopting our high-maintenence, special needs child.  I wish her birth mother would not have been drinking alcohol during her pregnancy but there is nothing I can do about that.  I have already written a blog post in the past called  "Would I do it over again?"  I am inserting a portion of it below.  Then I will continue with my BIGGEST regret concerning the rearing of my children.

Once in a while people ask me if I would do it all over again.  Would I still   adopt Sydney?  Honestly, I think I would, but perhaps it depends on what day I was being asked.  I think I would because I love her with all my heart.  I think I would because I cannot bear to think about where she would be or what she would be doing if she was still in Russia.  I think I would because she has a soul and I want her to go to Heaven.  I fear that someday my answer will change.  *Thirty percent of people in prison had birth mothers who drank.  That scares me.  If a person has brain damage that keeps them from being able to make good decisions, how are they to obey laws?  If a person has little or no impulse control, how can they be kept safe? 

No one has ever asked me the same question about Tate, perhaps because he is not adopted.  If I could turn back the clock, would I still have planned one more baby, the year before Tate was born?  I would not have.  There, I said it.  I would not have conceived a baby, knowing he would have autism.  I think anyone who is being honest would say the same (however, I could be wrong.)  Autism has drained me emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially.  Having said that... I adore Tate.  My world revolves around Tate.  I am not a patient person, but I almost never lose my patience with Tate.  He brings me a lot of happiness and he has taught me a lot of things.  Although I have been drained in many ways, Tate and autism have helped me to grow spiritually.  I see things much differently than I used to and I am a much better person than I was before Tate was born.  The main reason I would not have purposely conceived a baby knowing he would have autism doesn’t have as much to do about what autism has done to me as it has to do with what autism has done to Tate.  I see him struggle to fit in and know he will never be able to understand the world around him.    

I’ve said it before and I will say it again:  The phrase “Everything happens for a reason” is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard.  God does not give people autism and God does not cause women to drink so their babies will be born with a lifelong handicap.  That whole idea is absurd.  It is true that we can make the best of a bad situation and grow stronger because of it but there is no divine reason a child is born with a handicap.    

None of the above thoughts or feelings really matter in the end.  Both kids are here.  Both kids are mine.  Both kids are handicapped.  Both kids are loved.  Both kids bring me and others so much joy.  I really do love my life. 

*I have since read that the percentage of people in prison with FAS is actually much higher than thirty percent. 

Here it is.  THE BIGGEST REGRET I HAVE WHEN I THINK BACK:  I wish I’d had a regularly scheduled (daily or weekly) Bible study at home with my kids.  I was their Bible class teacher on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights for much of their childhood and we did often discuss religious topics at home so I am sure they were taught the truth.  We had many people in our homes for Bible studies over the years but we never had a scheduled time to study with our own kids.  We often sing hymns in the car and we have ALWAYS prayed before meals but I regret the lack of a regular in-home study with my kids. THAT is my biggest regret.  If your kids are small establish a time now and make it so important that you schedule other things around it.  If your husband is often gone like mine then do it without him.  When he is home then he can lead and when he is not home then you can lead the study, but do not neglect this and regret it later like I do! 

Why I Do NOT Homeschool

I have a lot of friends that homeschool.  I really admire people who homeschool.  I do not homeschool but I sort of fit the stereotypical "profile” of a homeschooler.  I have seven kids, am deeply religious, do not work outside the home, and I absolutely LOVE spending time with my crew.  My husband is a minister.  Many people assume I DO homeschool and are surprised when I tell them I do not.  I am asked fairly often why I do not homeschool.

I have a pretty good biblically-based reason for not homeschooling.   My husband was not “on board” and I am in submission to him.  We usually agree on everything and we make decisions together but in the end, if we disagree on something, his choice is the one that matters.  Is that hard?  Yes, sometimes it is hard.  Am I unhappy?  Absolutely not.  He is, by no means, a dictator.  He loves me as Christ loves the Church.  I am confident He would die for me or for any one of our children.  The very few decisions we have disagreed about over the years have only reinforced for me (in the end) that God’s plan for a man and a woman is the best plan.  Shawn makes the decisions that he feels are best for our family and he always has our eternal salvation on his mind.  He was confident we could raise our children to be faithful Christians (even with that “horrible handicap” of a public education.)  After all, both of us attended public school, were raised in the church, and remained faithful to God, so he knew it could be done. 

I read a blog article a week or two ago by a homeschooling mom.  She listed the reasons she does NOT homeschool.  I think that is the second one I've read that explains why a homeschooling mom does NOT homeschool.  In other words: she homeschools, but for different reasons than the ones listed.  The article was very well written.  I read homeschooling blogs and enjoy homeschool Facebook groups from time-to-time because I can apply what I learn even though I do not homeschool my kids.  Sydney has a learning disability and I’ve gotten some great ideas from homeschoolers.  Plus, homeschooling just interests me.  Remember, I wanted to homeschool but was not able.  If Tate’s transition to Junior High had not gone well, Shawn and I were going to reconsider public school for him.  The transition did go well and Tate is doing much better than we had anticipated.  His classmates treat him very well and I am in constant communication with his resource room teachers.  Tate is learning a lot and he loves going to school too!

I do see the reasons my husband knew (long before I did) that homeschooling was not the best way for us to go.  Ours would not have gotten the better education at home and my husband was wise enough to see that.   I still believe homeschooling (for most) is BETTER than a public education!  I do not need convinced!

I said all that to say this: If one of the reasons a homeschooler does NOT homeschool, is to constantly try to prove to me that their child is getting a better education than mine, then why do some constantly tell me that their child is getting a better education than mine?  Why is it that almost all the articles I see about the demise of America due to public education are posted by homeschoolers?  I am Facebook friends with many homeschoolers (or I was before this post) so don’t think I am picking on you alone if you post articles bashing my kids’ public education.

I do not need to see a new article each day about the common core.  I know the common core is not a good thing.  The educators in my kids’ schools know the common core is not a good thing.  The parents and teachers whose kids ARE being affected are fighting against the common core mentality.  My kids will be affected if the common core is adopted so I am staying informed.  I also know that many bad things happen at public schools.  I am often in my kids’ schools.  I see some things I do not like.  I see a lot of things I do like too.  I believe my kids are getting a good education.  I believe they are well grounded in the truth (religiously) and are able to handle the things they encounter each day.

I am aware that there are school districts in large cities where kids are not safe and kids are dealing drugs in the halls.  I know there are districts where we could not (would not) send our kids to public school.  We live in a small town, in a rural area, in the Midwest.  My kids’ graduating classes are usually around 100 students.  My kids are safe at school.  They are learning.  Their teachers are WONDERFUL.  Six of my seven kids have had the same teachers for kindergarten, first, and second grade.  Another teacher will have had six of my seven kids by the time my last gets through grade school.  I have the email addresses to most of the junior high and high school teachers memorized. 

I’ve never had a teacher that did not honor our wishes regarding religious beliefs.  Music teachers have accommodated us when my kids did not want to sing religious songs with instrumental accompaniment.  My kids have respectfully argued with their junior high and high school teachers when it came to biblical matters.  By the time my kids are in high school I think they can effectively defend their beliefs.  Most of the time evolution has come up the teachers have confided in me that they also believe in creation so they did not push the theory of evolution at all.  If I homeschooled my children I would certainly explain evolution to them so they could be “ready to give an answer.”

I try hard to be an encourager.  I encourage my homeschooling friends.  As a matter of fact, I have told more than one young mother who was considering homeschooling to DO IT.  If at all possible, their husbands are fully on board, and they have the desire, I tell them it is the best way to go.  But from now on I am going to ask a favor of them.  I’m going to ask young mothers who homeschool to never lead their children to believe that MY children are getting a shoddy education or that my family is not pleasing to God.   My kids have gone to bible camps with peers who are homeschooled.  My kids have been told that public schools are evil and parents who don’t homeschool are sinful.  My kids’ “friends” had to have heard it somewhere.  I asked a dad once if he believed it was sinful to send kids to public school and he said “yes.”  Have I known homeschooled children who are uneducated?   A few.  Do I know homeschooled children who are getting an amazing education?  Many!    

I've been pondering a lot of things lately.  I can't say this wrong or I'll make a lot of people really mad.  (If I haven’t already accomplished that.)  But, if one of the goals of a homeschooler is NOT to make me feel guilty for NOT homeschooling, then why all the negativity about public schools all the time?  If I were posting articles on my Facebook wall that listed the drawbacks of homeschooling, I would lose some friends I’m sure.  Some of my homeschooling friends always seem to be on the defensive anyway.  I can’t figure that one out either.  Hold your head high and raise your kids the way you think is best!  Don’t constantly try to defend it and justify it to others.  You are making the better choice!  

If you homeschool, please know my goal was not to offend you or to contest your choices.  Like I said, I do believe homeschooling a child is a really good decision.  And, I LOVE hearing your stories!  But, I hate it when you put down my kids’ schooling.

Ten random things that you may not know about me:

Number One:  I have written Bible class material that is being used in Churches of Christ all over the nation and in some foreign countries.  I’ve also been told some homeschoolers are using it.  I enjoy writing and wish I had a lot more time to commit to it.  I don’t get paid to do it but it helps me to feel like I am obeying the great commission in a small way.  I especially like writing for preschoolers but have written several series for elementary school ages.  The material is published by Hanna Publications and is all reproducible and inexpensive.  

Number Two: Before I knew Tate had autism, I was afraid of people with disabilities.  I would never have approached a person with a disability in hopes of having a conversation.  I would have walked out of my way to avoid a person with a disability.  Now, I often go out of my way to have interactions with people who have disabilities.  This is one of the reasons I believe God blessed me with Tate.  I had lived most of my life as a selfish person and I needed to change a lot of things. 

Number Three: I cannot recognize the faces of new people I meet until I have seen them several times.  Also, when I see people out of the environment that I usually see them in, I have a very hard time placing them.  Being a preacher’s wife, I meet a lot of new people so this handicap is huge.  I cringe at the thought of how many people I have snubbed over the years, especially the ones that visited our congregation one week and saw me in the grocery store the next.  It would seem to the ones that I have accidentally snubbed that I am a very rude person.  This inability to recognize people is very frustrating to me and to Shawn.  He often has to explain to me who someone is and how I should know them.  I have tried very hard to memorize a face when I meet a new person but I just cannot do it.  I can sometimes remember a person after only one meeting IF they have something very unusual about themselves (like their size, a different kind of haircut, a tattoo….)  So many people look just alike to me.  I can sometimes remember a person by their voice before I can recognize their face.  I know a lot of people claim to be "bad with faces" but the problem I have is much more than that.  Tate struggles with this also and I know it is a characteristic of autism.  I have several characteristics of autism, although not enough to have an ASD diagnosis.  Relatives of those with autism, often have many of the characteristics of autism.  

Number Four:  I am a visual thinker.  I think in pictures.  One of the first books I ever read about autism was written by Temple Grandin, and is called “Thinking In Pictures.”  Temple is an adult with autism.  She thinks in pictures and likens her thought process to a roll-o-dex or flashes of videotape.  I was reading her book and had an “ah ha moment” when I turned to Shawn and told him I thought everyone thought “in pictures.”  He had no idea what I was talking about.  I have asked many people since then.  Apparently, few people think in pictures.  Because I am a visual thinker and think it pictures, it is doubly hard for me to understand why I do NOT recognize people’s faces until I have seen them several times. 

Number Five:  I have trouble following directions unless they are written down.  This is related to being a visual thinker.  When someone is giving me multi-stepped directions, I stop listening after the first two steps because I know I won’t retain any of it at all if I try.  I figure if I tune out everything after the first couple of steps, then I will retain the first two steps at least, and get two steps closer to the goal before I have to ask for directions again.  I have a son with Attention Deficit Disorder and this is how he has to operate.  My poor kids didn’t stand a chance with genes like mine.  Ha!  

Number Six:  I love my kids and I love spending time with my kids, so-much-so that it is hard for me to let them go to school eight hours a day, nine months of the year.  THAT, you may already know.  THIS is what I found remarkable:  I did not have any problems letting my children leave home for college.  I practically celebrated their departure.  Well, until this past fall, when I had three leave at the same time and one hadn’t even been home for more than a few days all summer.

Number Seven: The hardest role I’ve ever played is not daughter, sister, wife, employee, friend, mother, or even preacher’s wife.  The hardest role I’ve ever played is that of a daughter-in-law.  No one could ask for a better mother-in-law and example than I have but being a daughter-in-law and sharing the same man with another woman has been a super-challenging thing for me.  I’m really, really bad at it.  REALLY bad at it.  I cannot think of anything I have ever prayed as much about, worked harder to get better at, or worried as much over.  So… I always figured that being a mother-in-law would be equally as challenging for me.  It is not.  It is very easy for me to share my son with his wife and I’ve come to love my daughter-in-law like she is my own daughter.  My son being gone for holidays does not make me the slightest bit jealous or sad.  I’m just happy about who he is with.  Period.  I did not think it would be this easy.

Number Eight:  Almost every time I use a sharp knife I injure myself so I don’t keep any sharp knives in the house.  People are always telling me that a dull knife is more dangerous, but I have never cut myself with a dull knife.  No one else likes my knives but I sure do!

Number Nine:  It is totally out of character for me to watch and enjoy scary movies, read scary books, or listen to scary stories.  However, my favorite show on television right now is “The Walking Dead.”  I wish there was a new episode on every night of the week.  I just love it and none of my family can believe it.  It is so unlike me.  Don’t worry.  I am very careful to make sure my little ones do not see it.

Number Ten:  I set a goal when I was about eight years old to someday own a pool.  My parents did not allow us to participate in public swimming due to modesty issues. We have raised our children with the same rules.  The only time I was ever able to swim was at Bible camp where girls and boys swam separately.  Two summers ago we bought a thirty-foot, aboveground pool.  Of all the physical possessions (material blessings) I have ever been able to enjoy, the pool is probably number one on my list.  I even enjoy cleaning it!