Kindness and Mistletoe

I recently entered a short essay in The Mighty’s thankfulness challenge. It received a whole lot more attention than I ever dreamed it would when a representative of People Magazine saw the story and called. My essay described some children who have been exceptionally kind to my son Tate and I thanked them in a public way. Tate has autism and it is hard for him to make friends for several reasons, one being that he just does not understand how relationships work. Tate does not understand social reciprocity but he is making some great gains due to constant and consistent teaching from home and school. A lot of that teaching has come from his peers. They are teaching him about friendship and kindness. I wanted to spotlight those kids for their kindness to Tate. 

Kindness. Most of us know what it is even at a young age. It does not have to be defined in words but it is taught by example. Kindness does not just come naturally to small children. There are always exceptions to the rule, but most children are a reflection of their upbringing. In my experience, usually, the kindest kids have the kindest parents. 

Tate has been blessed with many kind classmates and a few of them have even taken a special interest in him. They eat lunch with him. They go out of their way to speak to him and consider him a real friend. If I had to describe these kids in one word I would probably pick the word, “kind.” So, today when I got a message from a representative of "Newton Kindness" saying two of Tate’s lunch buddies were nominated for a kindness award they offer each year, I was thrilled! But as I read on I saw that this representative also wanted to nominate Tate, and that left me slightly confused. Tate has been the recipient of his peers’ kindness but had he ever really shown kindness to them? He has autism, after all. I thought about it for a few moments. Tate is a good kid. He does not make any trouble. He is quiet. He is not demanding or mean spirited. But, would I use the word “kind” to describe Tate? It only took me a minute or so of pondering and I realized that I had given the word kindness a very small definition. Because Tate cannot DO so many things that the rest of us can he does not always show kindness the same way the rest of us do. Tate cannot show kindness by being a peer model for a classmate who is lacking in social skills but he is a very kind young man. He demonstrates it every day. He gives without expecting anything in return. He forgives easily when he has been wronged and it takes a whole lot to make him angry. His lunch buddies have described him as kind and a good friend who likes everyone. 

It has taken Tate a lot of hard work to get where he is. If you can liken learning social skills to learning to swim, think about taking those swimming lessons in a calm, heated, indoor pool with instructors and floaties. Then think about taking those swimming lessons in a muddy, cold river with a strong current and an instructor that is speaking a different language than you do. It would take so much longer to learn to swim if you did not have all the supports and you did not understand the instruction. When a child with autism is put into social situations they must feel like they are in that muddy river trying to learn to swim against that current. I've been on the sidelines shouting encouragement but I must have blinked and missed the part where Tate learned to "swim." His biggest encourager sometimes does not see the little milestones. 

After my light bulb moment I was a bit aggravated that I had even needed a minute to ponder whether or not Tate could be described as kind, because just yesterday he had shown me just what kindness really looks like. I took Tate Christmas shopping at his insistence. He had less than twenty dollars, earned one dollar at a time by doing one of the only jobs he has mastered, unloading the dishwasher. He was on a mission! He wanted to buy mistletoe and a gift for his brother Levi. As we shopped and talked, he added to his list. He wanted to find something for his three sisters as well. Have you ever tried to shop for four people with twenty dollars?  We got everything he wanted except the mistletoe. I have no idea where to find mistletoe. I quizzed him about why the mistletoe was so important. He finally revealed to me that the mistletoe was going to be his gift to his dad and I. Tate planned to put it up so we could kiss under “the mistletoe.” I was so touched and tickled at the same time. It took him over two weeks of emptying that dishwasher (which is not a preferred activity) to earn enough money for those gifts and he never batted an eye about spending it on others.

Note: I know that the mistletoe has got to be one of Tate's newest movie related interests. He has been watching lots of Christmas movies and has a sudden interest in little details like silver bells and mistletoe. Anyone know where to find mistletoe in the middle of Kansas?

To see the People magazine interview, go here: A Lesson In Kindness

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What Does A Good Mother Say?

I have adult children (an oxymoron for sure). I have found myself not knowing the right things to do or say more and more often as my kids age. Of course they do not need the same kind of nurturing they used to. And, it turns out I’m not very good at mothering adults. I still want to be able to fix the things in their lives that need fixing. I still want to be able to take care of their hurts and disappointments. I still want to be able to tell them what to do, knowing they will obediently follow my instruction, because after all, mother knows best.

I have seven kids. Four are young adults. They are great kids. Great kids. They all have some similarities but they are all very different people with individual strengths and weaknesses. I love kids. I was a really good mom to the babies. I did a great job with the toddlers. I did well with all of them in elementary school too. And then. And then. I had teenagers. Teenagers are ridiculously hard to deal with at times, but that’s to be expected. Right? Everyone warns you about teenagers. But they do outgrow the teenaged attitude like they outgrew the terrible twos and life gets better again.

There was no instruction book handed to me when the babies were born. But, I did okay without an instruction book, really. I was a young mom with a lot of enthusiasm. I suppose my first babies and I grew up together in some ways. I should probably apologize to the oldest. He endured most of my learning experiences and was so often my “test subject.”  

I’m finding that an instruction manual would come in handy about now though. Anyone seen one entitled, “How to mother grown children”? This is not easy! Adult children sometimes still need guidance. Should I wait ‘til they ask me for it or just go ahead and offer it? If I should wait, should I wait until I see pending disaster? If I watch silently will I be asked later why I did not speak up? If I speak up will I be accused of interfering? If I am the voice of caution am I also the voice of pessimism? A dream crusher?

There is this high balance beam I’m finding myself walking. The abyss on the left side of the balance beam is very quiet and labeled “neglect” while the cavity on the right echoes with the voice of that interfering Emily Gilmore of “Gilmore Girls.” Emily tells me to offer as much advice as I like, in the most condescending voice I can muster. Hmmm, those two options are pretty far apart so the balance beam might be a lot wider than I was originally thinking, huh? Maybe I won’t fall after all.

But it does seem that often a mom cannot win-for-losing. What does a good mother say to her nearly adult child who asks, “Hey mom, do you like the muffins I made?”  The answer I want to give is, “Yes, they are good but next time you might want to pull them out a few minutes earlier.” Did I just give helpful advice or crush my daughter’s enthusiasm for baking? What does a good mother say to a nearly adult child who decides he wants to become a professional rodeo clown? Do you encourage him, cheering from the sidelines? Or do you try to talk some sense into the young man, who, by the way, will forever blame you when he is sitting behind a desk and not out in an arena, being chased by a bull, and living his dream.

I’m being facetious here. No one has baked me burnt muffins or announced they are going off to clown school in this family. I’m just reasoning some things out here; thinking "out loud." It’s hard to parent when your kids are old enough to become your friends. I recently sent my mom this message, “Having grown kids is so much harder than having little kids.” She knew exactly what I was talking about and she spoke to me from experience. After all, she has walked that balance beam for a lot of years before me and I am her adult child who she gets to watch blunder through life as she bites her tongue.

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Tate's Lunch Buddy Program Described

Since my last post, Thank You to The Class of 2020, I have had numerous requests from people asking me to describe the lunch buddy program. The following describes Tate's lunch buddy program. Part of the beauty of a lunch buddy program is that it can be "tailored to fit" and changed as needed. 

I first heard of lunch buddies when I was at an autism conference before Tate ever began school. As soon as I heard the program described I was “sold” on the idea. I began asking for a program for Tate when he started first grade. After we discussed the lunch buddy program at a meeting and considered it for first grade, it was agreed that we would wait and begin it in second grade. There were several reasons involved. We already had several social skills “programs” in place that first year of all-day public school and they were very time-consuming for the staff. The speech teacher had launched a social skills group for Tate, pulling peers from his class two or three times a week to play games and encourage Tate to interact with his peers. We had an adult coach with Tate at recess prompting him to play with peers so he would not wander aimlessly, isolated or lost in repetitive behaviors. Tate was struggling to learn the names of his classmates so photographs of all his classmates were obtained and he practiced naming them and matching children to their names as part of his day. The school staff was working hard on so many things that the lunch buddy program was put off.

When Tate began second grade, at my insistence the lunch buddies program was added. The purpose of the lunch buddy program was for Tate to learn social skills that he could then generalize into other settings. Our hope was to teach Tate skills by coaching him and eventually fading the prompts. Let me be clear: a lunch buddy program by itself is not going to teach your child all the social skills they need to learn. It is one of many things we have done to help Tate learn social skills. The skills he has learned from the lunch buddy program have been reinforced over and over throughout his day since we began the program. Mastering skills was not something accomplished in one year. Tate has had a lunch buddy program for five years and it has taken a very long time to see a lot of results.

Buddies

The lunch buddy program has been successful, in that Tate can sit amongst friends in a lunch setting and be fairly comfortable. Tate has learned skills and the coach has been faded much of the time. Tate still has autism but he is able to handle himself and respond appropriately in so many situations now due to all this coaching. As it turns out I often hear from the parents of the typically developing children who have participated that their children have learned so much from Tate. They are thankful that their children have learned about autism and have become very comfortable around my child with special needs. Among the things these children have learned are compassion, understanding, patience and perseverance. They also have a pretty good idea about what autism is and could probably generalize what they have learned to interact with other people with special needs.

I am a firm believer that the children who participated should be told about my child’s disability. I do not believe the lunch buddy program would have been successful for us without the full-disclosure that I insisted upon. Explaining WHY Tate is different than they are and WHY Tate NEEDS so much more instruction than they do was key. Children who are educated about autism are far less likely to bully a child with autism in my opinion. I do not have statistics on this. I did what made sense to me. I insisted from first grade on that Tate’s classmates be told that Tate has autism and then given an age appropriate definition of autism. I wrote a personalized definition with illustrations in a picture book format for the kids. It started out very simply in first grade and got a little more detailed with each passing year. See the book in my post: What is Autism. When Tate was in first grade I wrote a note to parents that went home in the first graders’ backpacks, explaining autism and letting them know their child had a classmate with autism. I wanted to take the mystery out of the reasons that Tate was followed around by a Para-Professional throughout his day. I wanted parents to be ready with an answer if--and when--their child came home and asked questions about Tate.

The lunch buddy program has evolved a lot over the years. We learned what worked and what did not and tweaked it as we went. In grade school there were parent permission slips that had to be signed so the students could participate. Tate’s whole class wanted to be involved and got those permission slips back quickly. The kids LOVED teaching Tate. When we began, in second grade it started with one teacher or Para-Professional sitting with Tate amongst several of his peers. His peers were coached before lunch some on how to try to involve Tate in their conversations. Tate was very hard to engage back then. He would talk to adults but not children easily. The kids would ask him questions they had rehearsed with a teacher in a short meeting. A peer might ask Tate, “Do you have pets?” Tate would answer, “Yes”. The adult would maybe have to whisper to Tate and tell him what to say next. So Tate might be coached to say, “I have a dog and two cats.” The peer would respond appropriately and maybe ask the names of the pets. The adult coach would push Tate to answer questions and then reciprocate to the child who had done the asking. So Tate would be told to ask, “Do YOU have any pets?” It was amazing to see the difference in the typically developing children and Tate. The peers just knew how to respond and keep a conversation going, whereas Tate had to be told. The peers knew they should reciprocate with another question and keep the “ball bouncing” while Tate did not. Heavy prompts had to be used for Tate back then. After trying these very scripted types of things and Tate not making a whole lot of progress, it was determined that the lunchroom setting was pretty overwhelming for Tate. So, instead of the noisy lunchroom, they moved to a classroom or the library where it was quiet and Tate would be more comfortable. Tate never eats a school lunch and has taken the same lunch from home for seven long years (peanut butter sandwich-no jelly, chips and a couple of cookies.) The kids that wanted to participate in the lunch buddy program after that first year would bring a sack lunch and commit to being a lunch buddy for a week at a time. Usually there were two or three kids who would eat with Tate for a week. The kids’ questions and conversation starters were scripted with note cards beside them or even written on a placemat. The kids got so good at doing this that a lot of times the “cheat sheets” were not used. The students became therapist themselves and the teacher would often sit back amazed at how well the kids were doing. Conversation skills are not the only thing that is worked on during lunch. Posture and body language is also constantly targeted. Keeping Tate from stimming with his hands and fingers and just looking odd in general has been a huge part of the lunch buddy program.

These two boys are always good to Tate.

Because recess came right after lunch the program was carried over into the noon recess. The lunch buddies were asked to try to engage Tate in play at recess too. Tate often declined or tried to decline but his adult coach was right there encouraging him to participate in the peer activities.

For sixth grade Tate and his class moved to the junior high. The lunch buddy program continued. Tate and his lunch buddy group sat in the lunchroom that year, but at a table off to the side. It was still noisy and a bit overwhelming but doable. An adult was present every day but if the kids could keep the conversation going and Tate interacting the teacher was able to sit back and watch.

This year Tate is in seventh grade. Tate is sitting at the long tables with his peers three days a week with a teacher observing from a distance. If he becomes distressed or looks overwhelmed they go in and “rescue” the situation but the kids are always friendly and willing to help Tate too if they can. Two days a week the lunch buddies are back at the small table off to the side with a peer or two and a teacher. They are working on reciprocity and the coach is prompting Tate when necessary to ask APPROPRIATE questions and not just repeat the same question that was asked of him. (Read my blog post on reciprocity.) One day each week a Resource Room teacher is the adult at the table and one day a week the speech pathologist is the adult at the table.

Tate with two fantastic teachers, 6th grade

There are a lot of variables involved in a successful lunch buddy program. I have mentioned the education of the students so they understand the child’s disability as one of these variables. Another is very obvious. You must have students willing to participate. We were lucky. The kids LIKED being Tate’s teachers. It made them feel important. The staff involved often praised these kids and let them know what a difference they were making. When Tate was in grade school I occasionally took donuts to the kids who were participating in the program. Without the kids motivated to help there would have been no success. Another must, also an obvious one, is a staff that is excited about the program. If the staff had not jumped on board and made the lunch buddy program FUN and interesting then the peer models would NOT have been motivated to participate. Tate has been blessed with several rock-star teachers who love their jobs. Lastly, I had to be vested in the idea. I pushed and pushed and pushed some more for social skills teaching in every IEP meeting we had and followed up to make sure things were happening. Let me insert here. I have had good relationships with almost all of Tate’s teachers and Para-Professionals. Had we been using our energy to argue instead of using it to help Tate then the lunch buddy program would have probably failed.

One more disclaimer here: Tate still has autism. Tate’s social skills are still very poor compared to his peers. He still is not really keeping up his half of a friendship with these kids at all.  Tate has peers that are so good to him and so friendly but he does not have nearly as much interest in them as he should. He is sometimes even rude to them because of his poor social skills. We have seen VAST improvement though because of the lunch buddy program. I remember reading when Tate was newly diagnosed that it would take hundreds of repetitive trials to teach him the things that other children were just absorbing from their environment. Tate has had over nine hundred of these lunches with his peer models and adult coaches at this point. I am confident I can say that I would be living with a “different” Tate had he not had this program in place.

You might also like to read: A Friend is a Guy Who Likes You. 

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Thank You Baldwin Bulldogs, class of 2020

The Mighty is an online group of writers who are trying to make the world a better place. You can find them online at www.themighty.com or you can find them on Facebook. They have published a couple of my blog posts before and the editor asked me to consider participating in their November Thank you challenge. The challenge is to choose someone to write about that I do not say “Thank you” to often enough. This is almost an overwhelming task. How could I possibly choose just one person, or even one group of people, who I am thankful for? I could probably write Thank You notes for a year and not remember everyone that I need to thank. But, this is supposed to be one thank you and it did not take me long at all to decide what I wanted to write about.

My son Tate has autism. He is 13 and in the seventh grade. Tate performs at a grade level far below his peers, academically and socially. I could and should write thank you notes often, to each and every one of the teachers and staff involved in Tate’s individualized education. I definitely do not say it enough. Today however, I am going to say “Thank you” to the seventh grade class at Baldwin City Junior High School.

There are advantages to living in a small town sometimes. Tate will graduate with a class of approximately one hundred students. Tate began kindergarten with about twenty of them. He had the same kids in his class through third grade. Living in a small town, and Tate being the sixth of seven children, produced opportunities for us that many families of a special needs child would not have. I knew all the teachers and many of the parents and students. I was often in the classroom and able to educate Tate’s classmates about autism and Tate’s differences. I wanted “full disclosure” and often asked that the privacy policy be ignored. I talked openly about Tate’s disability and urged teachers to do the same. 

Tate in kindergarten

From the very beginning Tate's peers have treated him with respect and kindness. His classmates could see he needed help with many things and there were always lots of willing helpers available. At the end of their first grade year I thanked the children for being such good friends to Tate and asked them to promise they would help look out for Tate all the way through High School. They agreed, and they have kept their promise thus far.

For five years Tate has had a lunch buddy program so that he can receive social instruction from an adult coach while surrounded by peers. In elementary school, students had a chance to sign-up to be a part of it with their parents’ permission. There was always a waiting list and never a lack of enthusiasm for eating lunch with Tate. The program has evolved somewhat. Now, part of the week Tate sits at a table with peers and no adult. Other days he invites a friend or two to eat with him and a teacher at a smaller table so he can work on social skills. Rarely does a student ask for a “rain check.” If Tate calls, they answer the calling!

A fifth grade track meet

So many children with special needs have to worry about bullies. So many children with special needs are lonely or forgotten. Tate has never been bullied, not even once, that I am aware of; and many of his peers call him “friend” although Tate does not often reciprocate their kindnesses. Tate’s understanding of social skills and reciprocity is greatly lacking. His peers know it and they accept it. They give, asking nothing in return. They include Tate whenever possible. They gently give him social skills instruction when it is needed. They help him with tasks that are difficult for him. They teach him and encourage him. They make him feel like one of “the guys.” It does not matter that he comes in last in all the races. I’ve heard them cheer as if he’s crossed the finish line in record time! It doesn’t matter that he is still reading picture books while they read novels. It does not matter if his presentation is short and very simple compared to theirs. They are excited to see Tate’s achievements even when they are very small.

Buddies: Jordan, Tate, and Ethan

Tate's classmates treat him as a valued member of their class, an equal. For this, I thank them. I thank these students for being kind to Tate and for making his life easier. I thank these students for making my life easier. I do not have to worry or wonder about Tate while he is at school because he has friends who look out for him. Thank You Baldwin Bulldogs, class of 2020.

Note: The letter I wrote for The Mighty caught the attention of People Magazine and that led to an interview and a great article published by Jeff Truesdell. You can read that here: A Lesson In Kindness

Teachers, Share this with your classes. Challenge them to make a difference in the lives of their classmates with special needs. Want to read more? Teaching Tate Social Reciprocity

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