Typewriters and Texts

My fourteen-year-old son Tate has autism. Tate is growing up. There are definitely pros and cons. One of the greatest benefits is that Tate is able to express his opinion and verbalize his wants better than ever before. One of the biggest drawbacks is that Tate is able to express his opinion and verbalize his wants louder than ever before. We have longed to hear his opinion on things for many years but when Tate has an opinion or an interest he is relentless these days. And he knows how to text. Tate’s siblings hear dings and vibrations from their phones several times a week, sometimes several times a day, and some conversations can go on for a long time. There is a new interest in Tate's world this week.  

Tate saw the new Peanuts Movie this past weekend and the Goosebumps movie a couple of weeks before that. There were characters that used a typewriter in both movies. Tate began a dialogue with his older sister about typewriters a few days ago and became convinced he NEEDED one. His sister happened to be the owner of a vintage pink typewriter and loaned it to him. He’s had it in his possession for forty-eight hours and has hammered out note after note, as well as his Christmas wish list. His first love may still be texting but the typewriter has him bewitched right now. He even incorporated the typewriter and notes typed out into a group text with his siblings this evening. Take a look:

The word Tate typed the most in these short videos was "here." Get it? "Here watch me type a word" is what he kept texting them. The campout Tate is referring to in the above text and the following text is one he has planned without any parental consent. He planned one mid-winter last year that never came to fruition and he's held a grudge for ten months as you will see in the text below. Depending on the weather, it may or may not happen again. Tate will not listen to reason at this point and is arguing against the weather factor by assuring us that two hoodies instead of one is the answer to frigid weather. A friend from Texas was over at the time of his list making so he included her.  Somehow he has determined that those without freckles will not be invited into his tent. Your guess is as good as mine on how that criteria factored in. Ironically, Tate does not have freckles. The three siblings he wants to include in his outing do have freckles however. 

Here are some texts Tate sent last week when his camping trip (to the front lawn) was in its earliest planning stages:

Do not feel too sorry for the outdoorsman here. Tate has opportunities over the summer to sleep in a tent. 

Another group text this week from Tate showcased his new dresser. The reason he was asked about naming it is because Tate has named all his siblings' cars and insists they call their cars by name. 

And lastly, Tate has been trying to convince me that he has too many chores around here. 

Nice try Tate. Nice Try.

If you liked this post then you will surely like this one: More Texts From Tate

Tate, Texts, and Tents

One of the things Tate loves to do is to plan camping trips. His idea of camping though is a little different than yours probably. Tate wants a tent set up within a few feet of the house. He wants an extension cord and all his electronics set up next to his sleeping bag. And a tent full of snacks is a must. He’ll spend the evening in the tent and when he decides he’s tired enough to go to sleep in the early morning hours of the next day he’ll be ready to haul it all back in to go to bed. Tate especially loves it if we have a little campfire. He won’t roast hotdogs or marshmallows like the rest of the family but he’ll eat a hotdog bun and be content. A couple of times a year Tate decides it is time for us to have one of his camping experiences. Last year he planned one, long after it was too cold to carry out, and he perseverated for at least a month about us ruining his camping trip because we would not set up the tent due to the temperatures. He still brings it up occasionally. He’ll say things like, “You cannot ruin this for me like you did that camping trip.” Tate holds a grudge a long time.

So, last week when I started getting texts from Tate about camping I began praying for a warm weekend and no rain. As he often does, Tate began his planning by making lists. He loves numbered lists. My friend happened to be over during one of his planning sessions so he included her in the texts with me and his siblings. She is from Texas, thus the Texas reference in this text. 

The references to clothes (close) are probably because he fears I will tell him it is too cool to camp. He's telling me everyone will be dressed warm.

The video clip he sent me was about seven seconds long. He showed me that he had two hoodies on. His hoodie fetish will be fully satisfied. Camping and doubling up the hoodies.... He will truly be a "happy camper." 

It seems Tate is punishing his dad and I for “ruining” the last camping trip and has declared this one will only be for people with freckles. He's been announcing over and over the past two evenings that grown ups do not have freckles. The funny part to me is that Tate has no freckles either. His siblings do though. Ha!

Stay tuned folks and see if we are able to pull off a front yard camping experience for Tate in the next couple of weekends or not. I'd sure hate for him to have two strikes against his unfreckled parents. 

Tate's Toothache and My Pity Party

I try hard to be an encourager. The world needs more encouragers. I especially try to be positive when I am speaking to parents of children with autism who are coming behind me. Those with kids younger than Tate need to know that it is not all doom and gloom after the autism diagnosis. But sometimes it is hard. I was born a pessimist. Pessimism comes naturally to me and “looking on the bright side” is something I have to work at. Think Winnie the Pooh’s friend Eyeore and you will have an idea of the way I often think. I have to fight through that gray little rain cloud that is right over my head. It’s just who I am. However I am also someone who has been able to overcome some of that because of lessons Tate and Sydney have taught me. There really are blessings to be found in the face of adversity.

I don’t sit around and feel sorry for myself too often. I simply have too much to do. But yesterday... Yesterday I had a pity party. In attendance were myself, and Tate from the future. He was with me as I sat and cried. He was a middle-aged man and I was a bent old woman. I was still trying to help him brush his teeth and find his shoes. I was still helping him in all the ways a mom helps her child. Her young child. Her five-year-old child. And he was six foot three inches tall.

My pity party began in the dentist office bright and early Monday morning. We were there because I had “guessed” Tate had a toothache. He cannot / will not tell me when he is in pain. He does feel pain. I am sure of that. On Friday Tate made a few references to teeth. They were out of place and seemed odd. But Tate has autism. Let’s face it. Much of his conversation on any topic is odd. Saturday morning Tate texted me that I should take his brother to the dentist to get a cavity fixed. I thought, “Oh, Tate is trying to make a joke.” He hates dentists and he thinks he’s sort of insulting Levi by saying something like that. It’s Tate’s way of teasing. But then there were several more references to the dentist. By now I should have caught on. And then Tate did something Tate VERY rarely does. When I quizzed him about all the references to the dentist and asked him what was up. He admitted that he MIGHT have a problem with a tooth. He asked for a Tylenol. That’s a pretty big deal around here. First thing Monday morning I called the dental office we use and took Tate right in. I like all the staff there. The dentist Tate normally sees was out and we saw another. There, explaining to the dentist that my son appeared to be a young man but she should probably try to communicate with him like she would a five or six year old, my eyes began to leak real tears. I went on to explain that Tate does not tell me when he is in pain so I have to guess. As the dentist investigated to find the problem, I sat and thought. I remembered that when each one of my children were small I had to be vigilant and know when they were hurting based on behaviors. It’s just what good moms do. As my children aged they could tell me when they hurt and eventually they could take care of themselves. My four oldest children are adults. They make their own doctor appointments and bandage their own wounds now when necessary. They don’t call home to tell me about their minor illnesses. They don’t need me in that way anymore. Tate is not there though. Tate will never be there. Tate will always need me and there will come a day when I am not there. I’m 38 years older than Tate.

My pity party was not just about Tate not growing up on the inside as he grows taller on the outside. It was about me. When my kids were little and they hurt, I hurt too. A mother’s empathy for her children can cause her to hurt physically sometimes. As they aged and they were able to take care of themselves some, my empathy for their pain was not nearly as intense as it was when they were small. Over the weekend when I thought Tate was hurting and he was relying on me to identify the problem and help, I hurt for him. Because Tate is never going to grow much older on the inside and be able to mature like his siblings did that leaves me forever stuck feeling the kind of empathy pains for him I would have for my toddlers.

I love the thought from the Bible about everything having a season. Probably the happiest time of my life was when my kids were all small. But now it is time for them to grow up and for me to enjoy them as adults. They will be giving me grandchildren in just a few years. And I will still have an adult sized six-year-old to care for. Life’s not fair. So yesterday I had an emotional meltdown. Several times in the afternoon I broke down and sobbed for the Tate I will never know. The man he will never become. I felt really sorry for myself.

Today is a new day. His sore tooth turned out to be related to a broken wire and twisted bracket from his braces, not a cavity. It’s fixed and his pain is gone. My worries about his pain are gone and my spirits are lifted. Today I am not sitting with the future Tate dwelling on what will never be. Today I dropped my sweet son off in front of his school and as the car door closed I said, “I love you Tate.” I expected to hear, “I love you too.” Instead I heard, “I know.” As I pulled away I smiled ear to ear, happy that he knows he is loved.

For more about trips to the dentist, click here: Cleaning, Filling and Straightening the Teeth of Autism

When Halloween is Not About The Candy

At our house we are counting down the days until Halloween and have been for quite some time. My fourteen-year-old son Tate has autism and he has been texting me reminders about Halloween for months. (See his "checklist" below.) Tate tells me often that Halloween is his favorite holiday. If someone had told me nine or ten years ago that Halloween would someday be Tate’s favorite holiday I’d have been sure they would be wrong. 

The Pumpkin Patch is a Smith
family tradition.

Although Tate did enjoy our annual trip to the pumpkin patch, that was one of the only things he liked about Halloween. When Tate was small he was terrified of the costumes hanging on racks at the stores. We avoided the aisles that displayed the masks and Halloween decorations. The evening of October 31^st, Tate’s dad took his siblings trick-or-treating and Tate and I stayed home. Tate’s older siblings had to be careful to leave their masks off their faces until they were out of the house. He just didn’t seem to understand the masks did not change the true identity of the person behind them. Mask off and the kids standing in the room with us were his beloved brothers and sisters. Mask on and they took on the identities of strange princesses, super heroes, and ghosts. Usually, his brothers’ and sisters’ costumes were quite tame but it did not seem to matter much. Tate did not appreciate them at all.

Tate's Kindergarten Halloween Party

Because Tate was in an early intervention program and attended a preschool with typically developing peers, he needed to wear a costume for the school’s Halloween party. The classes walked to several neighboring offices for treats and I wanted Tate to participate. I realized it would be an invaluable learning experience and Tate needed to be able to step outside his comfort zone. But I knew convincing Tate to wear a costume was going to be a bit challenging for us. I had to come up with costumes for Tate those first few years that were similar to his everyday attire. A mask would have been asking too much of Tate. It would have been sensory overload for him. Tate loved hats so I used that to our advantage. That first year of preschool Tate was a cowboy. That required me to buy absolutely nothing as he already had boots, a hat and a western shirt. I’m not sure Tate even understood he was dressed “in costume” that year at all. The year after that he was a magician. I bought a top hat and a plastic wand and attached a small piece of black fabric to the shoulders of his shirt. He actually enjoyed carrying the wand and did not seem to mind the cape at all. In Kindergarten I dressed Tate completely in black, used a washable marker to draw whiskers on his face, put a red and white striped hat on his head and told everyone he was The Cat in The Hat. I feared he would not cooperate when I suggested we use a marker on his face but he surprised me! It helped that Dr. Seuss was Tate’s hero at the time I’m sure. We went through a period of time that year when only Dr. Seuss books were allowed on his bookshelf.

Tate 2013

By the time Tate was in second or third grade he had determined Halloween is a pretty fun holiday. Jack-O-Lantern carving is a highlight of Autumn in Tate's mind. He also loves to dress up in costume now. His ideas are usually original too. Two years ago he told me he wanted to be a remote control for Halloween. I panicked because I knew I was never going to find a remote control costume and Tate, once his mind is made up, is hard to sway. I bought some black and white felt and spent a Saturday morning with my sewing machine and Tate had a remote control costume.

Tate is making sure his Dad
knows who is taller. 

This year my 6’3” son wants to be a skeleton. As we walk from house to house to gather the candy he will not eat, I will celebrate the progress he has made. I know eventually he will be “too old” chronologically to trick or treat, no matter his developmental age. But for at least one more year we are going trick or treating with all the other kids who love Halloween.  For a lot of kids it is all about the candy, but the only candy Tate will put in his mouth are m&ms and Hershey’s chocolate bars. So for Tate it is not about the candy. It’s about the adventure. And THAT is huge when you live with autism.

To appreciate the list you might need a little background and you have to understand that Tate can hold a grudge for years. I believe it was two years ago that we put off going to the pumpkin patch until late October and then the weather was bad so we bought our pumpkins at Wal-mart on a Sunday. Sundays are for going to church in Tate’s world and pumpkins should only come from pumpkin patches, and never be purchased on a Sunday.