The Faces of Friendship

There you are in the grocery store, the face of kindness. My son is walking beside me as I push the cart and you walk quickly to catch up to us. You are shopping with your mom too. You call my son Tate by name and greet him enthusiastically. Tate mumbles a response, barely looking your direction and wanders on ahead. You tell me that you go to school with him and when I thank you for speaking to him so nicely and I try to make an excuse for his lack of interest in you, you say, “Oh I know. That’s just how he is.” You call, “See you at school Monday Tate!” and as you walk away, my heart sings knowing there are peers like you who genuinely like my son for who he is, autism and all.

There you are in the school auditorium, the face of consideration. My son and I are attending his sister’s school play. We find our seats in the school’s auditorium. You come, dragging your mom by the hand, and sit beside Tate. You speak to him and introduce him to your mom. I ask Tate to introduce me to his friend. He says he does not know your name. I cringe inside but smile, hoping you understand. I tell you that Tate has trouble matching faces and names. You tell me you already know that, assure me it’s okay, and you politely introduce yourself and your mother to me. You try your best to engage Tate in conversation and you make a little progress, while your mom and I listen and make a little small talk over the tops of your heads. I am very impressed and thankful my son is learning social skills from peers like you.

I am at the Junior High school, sitting in seventh grade Science class. I've been invited by your teacher to hear Tate give his presentation on the solar system. You are there, so many of you! You are the faces of encouragement. Tate stands in front of you proudly, a big smile on his face. It never occurs to him that you might not be impressed with his modified school work or the presentation his Paraprofessional helped him to put together. Your presentations were much more detailed and they were done independently but you show Tate the same courtesy you showed the peer that presented before him and the one who comes after. My heart melts knowing you respect my son and make him feel like a part of your class regardless of his abilities. I so appreciate you!

There you are in a department store, the face of compassion. I’m out shopping and feel eyes on me. I look over to see you smile and you ask, “Are you Tate’s mom?” I say that I am and you ask me where he is. I tell you he is home. You tell me you eat lunch with Tate sometimes. I tell you how much it means to Tate’s family to know the kids at school are so kind to him. You smile and tell me it is fun to eat lunch with Tate. You add that you have learned more from being Tate’s friend than he has learned from you. I ponder this, as I know Tate is not what most kids would consider “fun” or is he able to do the classwork that the rest of you can do. He is hard to converse with, sometimes seems rude, he does not understand social cues, and he performs below grade level in every subject. But you know that. You know how he struggles to understand friendship yet how much he needs friends. You know how he struggles to process language, especially when it is spoken quickly. You are willing to be the kind of friend a kid with autism needs, a friend who has to give more than they receive, a friend who has to slow down and give Tate time to process before he can respond. And you are okay with that. My heart swells with gratitude.

This evening I need to find the face of understanding. We have come to a music program. Tate is to sing with his classmates. I hoped you would be here at the entrance to the school and I see you walking in right ahead of us. I stop you and ask you if you know where Tate should go to find his group. You tell me you know exactly where to go and you say, “Come on Tate. Follow me.” I call to you as you disappear into the crowd, “Thank you!” I feel blessed and relieved to be a part of this community where I can find these willing faces all around us.

I see you at a school picnic, the faces of acceptance. Tate’s class voted and chose to go fishing at a lake as their end-of-the-year-event. We considered skipping it because Tate is not interested in fishing at all. He does not like to get dirty and I figure he will most likely spend the evening asking us how much longer we have to stay. We decided he should go and as our family pulls up to the lake, several of you approach our van, calling Tate’s name and asking him to hurry and join you. He says, “My friends are here.” He follows you to the gathering and we bring up the rear. My heart smiles at the knowledge that my son has friends. He has friends and he is accepted, autism and all.

As a part of the autism community I often hear of prejudice, intolerance, hate and bullying. We’ve seen very few of those things in my son’s life. Perhaps it is because we have been open about his autism diagnosis since kindergarten. Perhaps it is because we made sure his classmates were educated about autism. Perhaps it is because of the lunch buddy program and the other social coaching programs his peers have participated in with him. Perhaps it is because we live in a small town and a close-knit community. Perhaps we just got lucky and my son has a class of exceptionally caring peers whose parents have taught them about friendship, kindness, consideration, encouragement, respect, compassion, understanding and acceptance. Perhaps it is a combination of all of these things. 

If you liked this post, you might like to read Building Tate's Friendships.

Building Tate's Friendships

People are so amazed that my son with autism has friends and I get that. I marvel at it myself. The very description of autism is about as far from the word “friend” as a person can get. Words like: aloof, detached, and indifferent, are descriptive of autism, right? So how can a kid with autism have a friend or be a friend?

Below are the components that were used to create the friendships Tate has. This may not work for everyone with autism but these are the things we did.

Kiindergarten

Inclusion: Tate was in the classroom with typically developing peers for most of his day in grade school. His peers became very familiar with his behaviors and his needs. In Junior High Tate spends a lot more of his day in an individualized education setting because he works at a much lower grade level than his peers. However, the relationships developed in grade school are still being nurtured often in various settings.

Education: This one is HUGE. We never hid Tate’s diagnosis from his peers or their parents. When Tate did things that seemed odd the kids could ask questions and they were given age appropriate information. I asked Tate’s teachers to read books about children with autism with their class. When people are given correct information and educated they are not left to come up with their own version of the truth. Tate was never thought of as “weird” because his classmates and their parents were educated about autism.

Social Skills Coaching: Tate had full support at school. An adult was constantly giving Tate instruction in social skills. On occasion, members of Tate’s IEP team would suggest Tate did not need support on the playground but instead needed free time (which would have been used by Tate to pace alone and stim). I insisted the playground was a crucial time for him to receive coaching. This playground coaching played a large part in developing friendships. Tate was pushed to play with peers and peers were encouraged to include him in games and to give him support themselves. The Paraprofessional was able to stand back and watch as the other children engaged Tate in play sometimes.

Lunch Buddies and Other Social Skills Programs: We had organized social skills programs for Tate. The speech teacher came into Tate’s classroom twice a week in the early grades and organized board games and other activities for Tate and a few peers to engage in together. She coached the peers on how best to interact with Tate while she was coaching Tate on how to behave appropriately. We started a lunch buddy program in second grade and it was invaluable. Today, social skills are still a part of Tate’s daily education.

An Advocate: Many of the programs and supports Tate needed to develop friendships would not have been put in place had we not hired an advocate. She occasionally observed Tate at school, made recommendations, and always came to our IEP meetings. Our advocate was more knowledgeable about autism and the law than many of our IEP team members. She could often provide data to support her reasoning and she requested and received things for Tate that I had never thought to ask for. An advocate is very expensive but ours was worth every penny. Note: If you cannot afford an advocate my advice would be to get a Wright’s Law Book and study.

Tate and his buddy Jordan
Sixth grade

Willing Peers: Without kind, willing peers Tate could not have friends. We had willing peers with compassionate parents who allowed their children to be pulled from other activities occasionally to be peer models for Tate.

Tate and his Paraprofessional Richie
Fifth grade

Teachers Who Were Vested: We have had some rock star teachers involved over the years. Not every teacher was willing to work hard or believed in what we were doing but most did. The speech teachers have usually been the ones to drive the lunch buddy program for us but others have helped too. Tate’s Paraprofessionals had to shoulder the majority of the responsibility much of the time as they are the ones who spend the most time with Tate. They reinforced all the social skills lessons into all aspects of Tate’s day. Without all these hard-working adults we would not have gotten far.

Parents Willing To Work: No one’s involvement is more important than the parent. We badgered administrators and teachers for programs we thought really mattered and we were not afraid to ask for things they had never done before. We paid for an advocate. We provided books about autism and social skills to teachers. I dropped donuts off at the school occasionally for the students participating in the lunch buddy program. I volunteered at the school and tried to keep an eye on Tate and his progress from the sidelines. I had to invest time in getting to know other parents. Other parents were not going to be willing to allow their children to have play dates with mine if they barely knew me. I had to “borrow” their kids after school occasionally and go to the park or get ice cream. And during those times I was the social skills coach. Early on Tate was not thrilled when I arranged play dates but I did it anyway.

Tate (in purple) and his buddy Ethan (in blue)

Patience: It did not happen over night. Tate was in class with some of these kids for four years before he could tell them apart or remember their names. It took ages for Tate to develop reciprocal relationships with these kids and it took a lot of hard work. Tate had to be taught really basic social skills and those had to be reinforced for years. His peers had to be educated about autism and the adults in Tate’s life had to utilize every opportunity they could find to work on social skills. At the beginning a lot of Tate’s relationships were very one-sided. The peers were nice to him but he was not interested in them. We did not give up. I can honestly say that Tate has friends his own age now. He is able to actively participate in friendship. I did not know if we would ever get here but we have.

"A friend is a guy who likes you." Tate

Summer is coming to an end. In an effort to transition Tate back to school I have been reminding him of the people he knew last year and the things he did at school. I had fully intended to have play dates for Tate this summer. But, the summer flew by and I did not make the effort I should have. Because Tate does not like things or people out of their places, he has never been interested in having classmates over. The few times I have suggested bringing another child with us on an outing or having someone over to play, Tate has become nervous and made excuses. We tried it a few times when Tate was seven or eight years old but Tate was less than thrilled about it then. I am embarrassed to say I took the easy way out and let opportunities slide by many times over the years. Yesterday I told Tate he was going to have a friend come over today to swim. He made lots of excuses about why it wouldn’t work. I ignored him. This morning we went and picked the friend up and he came over to swim and play for a while. This particular boy is an answer to my prayers, literally. His personality and energy level balance the deficits Tate has. He is enthusiastic and excited but not so wild that he intimidates Tate. This boy seems to understand when to gently lead Tate in the direction he needs to go and when to give him a hard push. The most important thing though, is that he genuinely likes Tate and wants to be his friend, even though Tate cannot fully reciprocate in many ways. 

  

Tate has never been ostracized by his classmates or mistreated in any way. It has been quite the contrary. Almost all of Tate’s classmates have been great with him. It is just that Tate has never seemed to tolerate peers quite as well as he does the boy who came over today and just a small number of others. 

I was pondering “friendship” this evening and what makes a good friend. I asked Tate if he knew what a friend is. Tate is used to me asking him to define words so I can be sure he understands the things we are talking about. Tate told me “a friend is a guy who likes you.” I thought it was a pretty good definition. I remember a quote my older sister wrote down for me once when I was in grade school.  It has stuck with me my whole life: “I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend and friends were everywhere.” A good friend is someone who puts your wants and needs before his own. I’m not sure Tate will ever know how to BE a good friend because autism has robbed him of many things, but I do know he HAS a good friend right now. He has more than one!

If you liked this post then you might like a more recent one on friendships: Baldwin Bulldogs Class of 2020 

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