Many
people with autism like to be alone. They like quiet. They like calm. They
might like some noise but only controlled noise. So, they don’t necessarily
want silence and I’m not sure it is even about volume so much. They just don’t
want unpredictable noise or chaos. For example, Tate loves music, television,
and movies. He even likes surround sound but he NEEDS to be in control of the
noise. He needs to be able to walk away if he is feeling overwhelmed. He wants
to pick the movie and control the remote. He can feel at ease if he is
controlling his environment and is able to predict what is going to happen. Touch,
smell, taste, and sight are all a big deal to a kid with autism and I recently
addressed some of Tate’s issues with touch. Noises (sound) are also an issue
with many kids with autism.
Tonight
we went to a restaurant. Ten feet from where Tate was sitting was a crying
baby. Now, Tate doesn’t hate babies
but Tate was miserable. He squirmed. He complained. He whispered things about
babies who cry (whispering to himself is one of his stims). He stuck his
fingers deep into his ears. He asked me if I had any headphones. (They use
headphones at school to help with the noise level sometimes.) The screaming
went on for about ten minutes while the mother ignored her baby. I love babies;
but I honestly was beginning to squirm a little myself. Finally, the mother
picked the baby up and gave him a bottle. The little guy went right to sleep
and we were able to enjoy our meal. I have a friend who has a son with autism
who probably couldn’t have lasted the ten minutes. They would have had to leave
after just the first cries. Interestingly enough though, I have another friend
who has a son with autism and when he goes to a restaurant he, himself, makes a
lot of noise. He is non-verbal and one of his stims is to make loud noises. (Remember,
autism is a spectrum and people are all over that spectrum.) The same young man
who likes to make loud noises? When his baby brother cries he puts his hands over
his ears! My theory on this is that he does not like his baby brother’s noises
because they are totally out of his control and unpredictable. He needs to be
in control of the noise to be able to tolerate it.
Just hangin' out, upside down. |
Recently,
Tate’s sister and I were in the living room watching a movie that Tate loves. I
told him I wanted him to watch it with us. He watched it but he could not relax
and really enjoy it. He sat in a hard backed chair behind the couch, instead of
on the couch with us, and watched from the dinning room. He could not relax
because he was not in control. He was not alone to enjoy the movie and he was
not going to be able to pause it if he wanted to, or run it back and watch his
favorite parts more than once, or fast forward through the song he did not like.
He would have enjoyed the movie so much more if he’d been alone to watch it.
When given the choice he will almost always choose to be alone.
Having
seven children and belonging to a small, close-knit church family, we have
always had a lot of “people traffic” coming through the house. It sometimes gets
pretty loud in our home. When he was little, Tate did not hang out in the
living area, showing off, and trying to get the attention of the adults as my
older children had. He did not run off to play with the other children. He
usually snuck off to my room, climbed into my bed to watch television, and wait
for everyone to leave. I’d find him and invite him to be a part of our
gathering, but know that he would not be coming out until the noise level was
back down to his liking.
Tonight
when the baby was crying, I was not only feeling a little stressed from hearing
it myself, but I was watching Tate squirm and I was feeling stressed because he
was stressed. I try hard to make his world “autism friendly” while at the same
time challenging him to step out of his comfort zone and make his world a
little bit bigger. It’s a fine line. I am usually guilty of staying far inside
his boundaries to keep him happy but once in a while I drag him too far across
the line and feel terrible about it. Sometimes it does pay off though.
Sometimes, instead of a meltdown and huge amounts of anxiety, that lead to
nothing but more anxiety, we get growth.
Going
through a carwash was out of the question a few years ago. The noise terrified
Tate. Now they are very doable. Tate still becomes a little nervous, probably
because of the noise, but he loves watching the soapsuds cascade down the windshield.
Smoke detectors at home and fire drills at school are no longer things that
send him into a panic. Fireworks are another example of progress made. When
Tate was young, a fireworks show would drive him over the edge. On the fourth
of July, his siblings would have a great time with their dad out in the yard
lighting fireworks. Tate would be inside in my bed hiding under blankets while
I tried to soothe him. We did not stop celebrating the fourth or make our older
kids go somewhere else to light their fireworks. Although we are very
considerate of Tate’s disability and his sensory issues, it cannot ALWAYS be
about Tate. We do have six other kids who need parents too. Surprise! Somewhere around
age six or seven, Tate decided fireworks were pretty cool. Now he looks very
forward each year to those loud pops and booms. He still watches and listens
with his fingers in his ears but he enjoys the lights and noise quite a bit.
He’s really livin’ on the edge now, huh?
Note:
Most children with autism have Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and I will be
writing more about Tate’s sensory issues in the near future. I recently wrote a blog post
entitled “Don’t Touch My Skin” about his aversion to touch that you might find interesting.
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He sounds so much like my Parker. But Parker really hates babies crying and wouldnt have lasted long. Parker wears headphones quite a bit to block noise. He also loooooves to watch movies and rewind and pause and repeat phrases. He is getting used to fireworks also. I actually am not a fan myself, lol.
ReplyDeleteHello! I'm a 66 yr old married man. In Nov 2011, we adopted a little 2 1/2 half year old girl. We were originally foster parents, we met her at the hospital when she was 6 months old.
ReplyDeleteShe was diagnosed with being developmentally delayed, later on before the adoption we kept pushing until she was diagnosed with high functioning autisim.
I'm retired from the US Army and my wife works as a nurse. We to are having problems with noises! Especially lawn mowers, that seems to be her biggest fear. We do the headphones, she's 6 so we really hadn't thought about ear buds but that may work. We to, probably accommodate her to much but we love her and want her happy,
Thank you for your blog! I'm going to follow you soon as I can figure out how lol
Curtis. I am so glad you found us. But I'm overjoyed that you found that precious little girl in 2011. We have an adopted little girl too. She's 11 now. She has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It has a lot of the same characteristics of autism. It is really good to meet other folks similar to us.
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ReplyDeleteThanks for your welcome Lisa! You know , fetal alcohol syndrome is an awful thing! We also have a 3 yr old grandson that his mom would never admit it but my wife and I aren't sure she wasn't using drugs when pregnant, she is in long term treatment now...it's rewarding but so tiring with these special needs kids isn't it? Isn't it fun though and we learn so many things from them
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